Sunday, July 10, 2011

Revelations: Fat.10:0

Recipe for fat: Equal part thinking about food to equal part thinking of ways to keep it off your ass. Just like Grandma use to say, a pinch of this and a pinch of that. The part she left much would be left to pinch when it was done. So I spend my days looking for ways to lose a little here and there. Let's face it, if it came off as quickly as it went on, I would have nothing to blog about and you would all die cold and lonely people. Yes, you would. In my quest to lose a quick 10lbs I'm left with a few choices. Stop eating and spend 23 of 24 hours at the gym. Scratch that. Go on random no carb, sugar or anything fun diet whilst holed up in the house until I look like Posh Spice. Scratch that. That bitch thinks jello is a food group. However comma, she is banging Beckham. Ok, I'll rethink that one. In any event, I found an easy way to lose 10 pounds. Ready for this? It could possibly revolutionize your life. Go to the beach...

Normally I wouldn't recommend something so potentially traumatic, however, given the speed of the results and the sheer simplicity of the task, this is now my go to plan for losing a quick 10. Step 1: put on a bikini. Yes, a bikini. You are about to be 10lbs lighter. I can't think of a better way to celebrate. Step 2: Park your big ass right next to an over sized family of 4. Step 3: Enjoy. You just lost 10lbs. I literally tested this theory today. Alone at the beach in my bikini I was a bit scared and quite large. I knew there was high potential for a 1/4 Pounder to plop down beside me and send this little experiment south, very quickly. However, my keen attention to detail assured my success. Although it was 9:15am, I noticed some key signs fatties were looming: Several cheap umbrellas strategically placed too close to each other far too early in the morning. Coverage issues. I can spot them a mile away. 1 umbrella won't cover 550lbs...I think they are rated to 120lbs actually. So the fatties stack them 1 on top of the other like a large crowd is about to take over...and they are. However, 4 doesn't qualify as a crowd. Perhaps in pounds. I'll give you that. Next, the beach chairs. While appearing new, you can clearly see stress fractures in the joints and large ass pockets in the seats that dip down to the sand. Clearly a sign something much too large has taken up residence. I fear we don't have Yetti's in these parts so the only conclusion....a fatty. Last but not least..the coolers arrive before the fat. Lots of coolers. Coolers with food stains. Fatties can't always be OCD like me. It takes all kinds people. Again, one might think a large family was on the way. They are. Large in volume. Not quantity.

As soon as their ass hit the sand, mine felt a shad lighter. Best I can figure to the tune of 10lbs. Am I mean? Yes. Am I fat? Yes. They cancel each other out so can it. This revelation could quickly tie into another...if I do say so myself. Fat IS a family affair. One by one they showed up to the dinner table (aka the beach) fatter than the next. The poor 1 year looked more like an afternoon snack than part of the clan. I feared for her safety around FGLH (Fat Girl Lunch Hour for you newbies to SIF).  I would have called CPS but I was getting hungry myself and I was hoping they were sharers. So what to do after losing 10 lbs in a minute? Read. Not some trashy novel or God forbid something that might actually learn me something. I prefer good wholesome periodicals. So I was reading People Magazine and low and behold my favorite tidbit was included in this issue. How the stars lose weight.

I know what you are thinking. They buy their way to thin. Yes, yes they do. I'm trying to figure out how much they want for Brad Pitt. I've been saving my pennies for the day he realizes fat is where it's at. Skin and bones Jolie aint long for it if I do say so myself. I skipped over the stars who graze in pastures and do sun salutations at daybreak. Whatever. If I'm getting down on my hands and knees to eat anything it won't be grass. I told you before I don't swing that way. 100% meat eater thank you. And I refuse to salute anything that promotes me wearing a bikini. So that prettymuch leaves the salmon eaters, the non eaters and Paris Hilton. What on earth could she possibly be eating other than....well I'm just sayin. People talk. In any event, she had some great advice that I have decided to share with the SIF. I can't be sure why someone hasn't asked her on the Today Show or better yet put her in a Jenny Craig commercial. Got your big girl ears on? Paris said one day she realized she had gained 10lbs bringing her weight to an astonishing 120lbs. *random sign of the cross.* She blamed her boyfriend, which you know I love. A little game of "pass the fat" never hurt anyone. Her solution to this epic crisis, transform the nightclub at her house into a gym. Why haven't I thought of this? Instead of having my friends over for "club night" every Sat, we replace the turn table with a treadmill. My husband isn't really all about it. I'm not sure if it's bcs he's attached to the nightclub or bcs he doesn't know we have one. Guys are so dumb.

What can we conclude from these revelations? While there isn't an "I" in team, there is one on opportunity. And I an opportunist. If I have the opportunity to lose a quick 10 by standing next to your fat ass, I will. However, If I catch you doing it to me, I will bitch slap you. If I have the opportunity to pay for sex with Brad Pitt, I will empty the piggy bank. And the joint checking for that matter. Won't be needing it for long. If I have the opportunity to eat grass, I will starve until I nice hunk of meat presents itself. If I have the opportunity to turn my nightclub into a gym, I will dance on the treadmill, under the disco ball whilst drinking a PBR and eating a PBJ. Pure class. And this my friends is the gospel according to THIS SIF. And they all said, "Dig in!"

Monday, July 4, 2011