Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Me Monday on Crack!

That's what ringing in the new year means to a Sister in Fat. A whole new year. A whole new you. It all starts tomorrow. And ends shortly thereafter I fear. However comma, I leave you with 2 tidbits of hope:

1. Your head weighs 10 lbs...go ahead and subtract that off the top

2. You have 6 more hours of gorging before "New You" has to make an appearance

Eat, drink and be merry sisters! 2012 brings "Sisters in Fat" the book and matching fatty apparel. This is more than enough reason to forge on.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

New Blog this week....

I hope....just on my way back from Mother's. As you can imagine, my brain is on material overload. If I spent 30 days with her, the book would be done. I can't make this shit up. Assuming I don't slit my wrists on New Years, a new blog will soon follow. Stay tuned....

Monday, December 19, 2011

My Anthem....

"This can't be my life." I find myself saying this no less than 100x a day. I shall declare it the 2012 Single Fat Girls Anthem. I have Lady Gaga working on lyrics as we speak. Seriously. If marriage sucks... being single is the itch you can't scratch. And not for the reasons you might imagine. Sure...there's action to be had. However comma, when you haven't seen action in years it's hard to pick it out in a crowd. Very confusing. Riddle me this, I'm in Walgreen's tonight looking for some relief. For what I can't be sure. I was random aisle surfing. A card, a bottle of Gatorade...hard core drugs. Can't be sure. The drug store just seems like a good choice when you're single and surrounded by stupid Christmas music at every turn. I'm so with the anti-Christmas crowd right now. For no reason other than I don't like crying in K-Mart. It's low-end and far from ideal. Am I sad to be single? No. I'm more than devastated to be in the throws of the holiday season  and have no appetite for holiday fare. No cookies, no cakes, no random binge eating...all in the name of a new me in 2012.  What's there to look forward to? New Years resolutions?  Let's see...down 30lbs and a husband. What else can a girl wish for? Can't be sure.

So...I'm in Walgreen's. I feel compelled to buy a card for my ex. Why? He's a good person. So he made a bad choice in a wife. There are many in his shoes. Marry her hot and skinny...she gets fat...she divorces you thin and hot. Vicious cycle. I couldn't find a card category for the occasion. I went with "Christmas/ Special Person." It's the best I could do. As a writer one would think I could craft my own cards. Not. For $1.29 I'm willing to let someone else say what I don't mean. Even if it ends up in the trash. I don't like my work to end up there. Call me crazy. In any event. After picking out  a card that said " Sorry I sprung this on you at Christmas but have a great holiday" (which wasn't easy mind you...thank you random lonely heart writer out there...owe you one) I went in search of relief. I'm beyond depressed to say I didn't find it in the chocolate aisle. Seriously. Those stupid exploding Hershey Kiss concoctions couldn't even excite me. I went straight for an aisle labeled "Pain Relief" I don't know what I expected to find. The Grinch? A bitter red faced recovering alcoholic Santa? Crack? I could have made a case for any of the above. Instead I found band-aides and aspirin. A bit tame. If I were in charge of Walgreen's....the pain aisle would be Shiraz and Shit Food. That's pain relief. Band-aides? Seriously? Isn't that what marriage is? I'm looking for relief here. Damn chain stores...

I moved to the solutions aisle...tampons and condoms. This flows. You don't need one without the other. Perhaps this is life's solution to marriage. If you wear a condom and she never has a period...pointless. If you have a period and he doesn't wear a condom...clearly an underachiever. Bitter? Perhaps. The holidays bring it out in me. Don't get me wrong. Under normal circumstances I'm throwing down Christmas cookies with the best of them. Typically I have a chocolate ring in the crease of my mouth from October to December. I've traded that for a red wine hallo. Red teeth look better than 40lbs of fat. Try it. It works. Nothing like a little drama to make your New Year's dress fit. I left Walgreen's with a card for the ex and a tube of triple anti-biotic ointment. Again, "This can't be my life." What does this say about 2012? Less guilt and germs. I can live with that.

If it all seems a little "slit your wrist" ...I give you my immediate circle of friends. By immediate I mean whomever is available to drink wine with me at the precise moment I am in need of "pain relief." Trust me...there's no aisle for this crowd. I use to come home to "What's for dinner?" A phrase that sounds like "@#$%^&* "to me.  It confuses me to this day. What's on speed dial was my typical answer. I bring you to my current life. Whilst there isn't anyone suggesting I enter the kitchen.... there is a ghetto red wine crowd drinking 40's on the street corner going by the code name "friends." Seriously. When someone pulls up to your house in a Beamer and tells you they've been at social services all day trying to get on Food Stamps but couldn't bcs they didn't declare enough rent and chose to drink 40s based upon the delivery of this am I not cutting my wrists with the knives I never sharpened bcs I didn't know any better? Add to that....the car broke down and we had to wait an hour so we drank the 40's in front of the very people who could have put food on our table but saw we drove a Beamer and could afford beer....I'll take a quick plunge off the dock for 2000.

"This can't be my life" is rolling off the tongue to the tune of "I'll have another." I'm a "something to look forward to" kind of person. So I'm going home for Christmas. Good times. Mother still believes in Santa and I've asked Grandma to spend the night so I have someone to drink with. *Insert catch phrase here* "This can't be my life." Does Hallmark make a card for this? I think not. My only hope at sanity is getting boxed Lifesavers from back in the day. Ah....back when I believed I wouldn't be 40, single and staring at 2 bulldogs for New Year's Eve. Mother never warned of the skinny, bitter single days. Exactly why she will be getting coal for Christmas. And I refuse to eat the cookies and tell her Santa stopped in for a quickie. Let's put it this way...if a man goes to the trouble of coming down the chimney of a working wood stove...he deserves all that is me. Fuck the cookies.  I don't suggest looking for that sentiment in your local Walgreen's card or pain relief aisle. If Santa is a little late this year...blame me. Just know he had something good to eat for once. Merry Christmas.

Monday, December 5, 2011

There's no hope....

Calling all SIF!

I would love some feedback on the blog. Your comments are always welcome! Unless they are snarky... in which case I will delete them and talk bad about you. Don't be afraid. Thanks for the comment Ruby! Keep um comin. This SIF needs some love!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Divorce Diet

Yes. I said it out loud. The only diet I haven't tried. It's not readily available in all markets. Perhaps you are one of my many readers who stills holds a one way ticket on the short bus and has yet to figure out this is the key to instant weight loss. The diet pill blog? Ring a bell? Anyone home? In the spirit of Christmas I'll give you the super secret SIF decoder. Just like "A Christmas Story." Only this decoder won't tell you to "Drink your Ovaltine." More like "Get the Fuck Out." Not very merry I suppose. Perhaps a bit of a "Christmas Story" meets "Ammityville Horror."  Whatever. Santa's not real anyway. Yeah, he's not. And if you still believe, there's a nice padded room and plenty of medication waiting for you. Yes Mother that means you. I know you still think he eats the cookies and fills your stocking. News flash...I eat the cookies and Dad takes care of the rest. If you chose to call this dynamic duo "Santa" so be it. He's grey and I'm fat.  We make a tremendous effort if nothing else. Willard is calling. Answer the call. Dad & I need a break from watching Rudolph for the umpteenth time. Believe

Back to the best diet ever. Yes, it's a high price to pay for weight loss. However comma, I give you 7 pounds in 3 days. The pukers can't put up numbers like that. SIF 1 Pukers 0. Not to mention they have bad breath and residual issues. I just look committed to the cause and hot. I call it like I see it. In order for this diet to work you have to be unhappy enough to pull the trigger. Sold. In my case it didn't involve hate or anger. It involved loving ones self enough to know when it wasn't working. Like oh I don't know gaining 30 pounds over 7 years. Like that. The sisters would say I can't blame him for that. Why not? I believe in outsourcing guilt. It makes for a happy SIF. Granted, we all eat when we are happy. We eat when we are sad. The point of no return.... when we become numb. Like when your fat ass sits in a metal chair too long and you can't walk. You can't feel your ass. It's almost like it's not there. Dreamy. Like that. You stop worrying about what you can't feel. Yes Mother I just compared 7 years of marriage to ass numbing via a metal chair. I never suggested I offer up the best analogies. Just the ones that come to mind. In fact, when I was hypnotized in hopes of losing weight, my ass went numb from sitting in one of those very chairs. For $80 an hour you think there would have been some padding involved. Maybe it was a sign. I gained 10lbs after that session. Fuckin witch doctor.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah...the divorce diet. The only point in my life where food has ever been dead to me. Numb. This is key. It's a journey not a destination. Yes I just used a cheesy cliche'. Click off.  No one wakes up one day and says, " I think I'll just say fuck everything and walk away." It's suppressed emotion. Kinda's June but I can't wait for the Peppermint Mocha shake at McDonald's. Like that. You know it's coming. You know it will make everything whole. You just have to wait for the season. Yes Mother I am now comparing my decision to divorce to a shake at McDonald's. I'm a SIF. Food is my soul. I make no excuses. Dr. Phil says not to make decisions when you are angry. I'm not angry. Just food aggressive. If I waited for that to subside I'd be cashing in life insurance policies not signing divorce papers. It's very surreal to put yourself before commitments, obligations, guilt and so on. It's numbing. To be selfish on the most extreme level of selfishness. It's stealing a happy meal from the homeless. Robbing the man ringing the bell for the Salvation Army. Seriously...I have yet to see him this year. Thank God. He should be giving me a loan. Don't have the heart to tell him. Who does this by the way? Are people really kind enough to freeze there ass off to beg for change to help others? Not me. Warm, fat & fed. Unless I can ring that bell from the comfort of my sofa....just aint happenin. Perhaps why I am going to hell. Whatever. I prefer warm climates anyway.

So let's get past the not eating resulting in making me look better than ever. This part good. Food is dead to me. I hope it doesn't rise from the grave to reclaim the 30lbs. The only other trump card to numbness is giving away my dogs. I'm not going there.... yet. For a size 2 I will reconsider. Let's talk about adult diaper rash. Yes, I just transitioned to that without any level of effectiveness. My blog. I say who I say when. Now that I'm single it's imperative I keep my "girl" in working order. You never know when she may be called to action. However comma, she decided to revolt and land me at the Cootie Dr. As you are well aware, I take the Mercedes to the dealer. That's 4 hours away. Scheduled on 1/13/12. Yes, I'm going on Friday the 13th. What else can happen? I'm down 30lbs. I'm soo getting a gold star. Even if I test HIV+ I'm clearly better off than last year. Dumb nurse... I see your lack of mental capacity and raise you 30. In any event, a quick trip to Jiffy Lube was in order. *Gasp* Taking such a fine piece of equipment to a drive through service is soo beneath me. However, red rash & constant scratching on the "the girl" aint bringing sexy back. So I  made an appt for same day service. Can you imagine such a thing exists? Thank God. The next step was urgent care. I'd sooner cut my shit out than go there.

They didn't weigh me. Low end. Of course now that I've lost 30 lbs they keep me from glory. Bitches. Why are you here? Oil change. Not. Random rash. Check. "Pee in this cup." Seriously. Isn't there a box for "I've been married for 7 years there's no possible way this thing is rabid as it hasn't been used?" Apparently not. I peed in the cup. It sat next to several others that had already turned blue. Mine did not. I had no idea what this meant. I have egg beaters. I assumed all was good. Waiting for the PA- bcs getting real Dr. would just be out of the question. Praying whilst laying on a paper covered table in a half assed attempt at a nightie...classic. "Please Lord don't let me have the Clap. Lord hear my prayer." I'm sure someone out there has gone there. I knew it wasn't possible but I also knew my vag was en fuego! After poking, prodding, swabbing and a solid round of interrogation w/ an inappropriate level of diaper rash. Are you freaking kidding me? I don't wear diapers. Nope. But I do run, box and hang out in the dark wet zone. How is it I'm single 6 weeks and have already given myself some sort of crud? I would have loved a good story to go with the diagnosis. Nope. Instead I get... you work out to much and you're a breeder of all things bad. I know this. This is why I did not procreate. Nothing good can come of mini me.

So... 30lbs lighter, 6 weeks into singledom and 1 bout of adult diaper rash later here I am. Full disclosure. Why? So you can feel better about yourself. That next Ho-Ho, that next scratch on the vag, that next fight with your spouse...think of me. Here I sit 4 prescription & 30lbs later...alone. I'm ok with the alone part. The itching not so much. I can't run or box due to breeding issues. What's left? Eating. Seriously? My choices are to run and scratch or sit and eat. The Divorce Diet better result in me getting laid soon. Scratch or no scratch. I'm puttin my girl back in service!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Words to live by...

"Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy