Saturday, March 17, 2012

Fat Nap

Don’t act like you don't know. Cat Nap for fatties. Brought on by random binge eating. I take 2 or 3 of these a day. Involuntarily. Eat, sleep repeat. A fellow SIf thought it would be a good idea to take me on a free, all inclusive vacation. What does this mean to you? Free Vacation. Dumb ass. Find another blog to stalk. A true SIF translates as lots of it. I was all but salivating. I also do that 2 or 3 times a day. Involuntarily. Comes with food aggressive behavior. In any event. Who turns down unlimited amounts of free food? Let me answer one above a size 6. That's right size 8's...bite me. Me miss the chance to don my 25 year old a bikini in the middle of Feb? *Slit wrists here* I'll get a new one when I lose weight. Yeah. The good news...I'm not sure there is any. No good can come of pasty white fat cells hanging out of a faded bikini. No good. I looked like a Hot Pocket. And no..not the Lean Pocket. The full on Fat Pockets. Pizza flavor. It's my favorite. If I have to go down, it should at least taste good. Words to live by. Mother won't get that one. I'll explain later Mother. Fuck. There...a word you love.

We flew first class. It was a mistake. They must have seen my ass and figured an upgrade was easier than replacing a seat. Here's what I enjoy about first class....liquor. All I can drink. Here's what I don't enjoy. Stupid parents who buy their screaming kids $10,000 first class tickets. Why? Why? Little Johnny won't even remember the trip. Perhaps an investment in his college fund would have been a better choice. Yes. It would have. It took exactly 10 Bloody Mary's to keep my inside voice inside. I attributed #11 to immigration. The form that is. Ya know the one you fill out to declare what you are brining in the country and why you are there. Let's's February. I live in NC. I'm traveling to a 3rd world country where the average temperature is 85. Hmmm. Definitely a drug smuggler. Just a dumb all inclusive vacationer too fat to travel. I passed out. When I awoke, said over generous friend warned me of impending trauma. I feared the child was loose. Worse. There was a line on the immigration form asking me to identify my marital status. Waitress....

Married or Single. Those were my choices. Are you freakin kidding me? I'm still in America. What happened to divorced, widowed...verging? I required more choices. And Blood Mary's. I summoned the flying waitress. I told her of my quandary. Her advice. Another Bloody. Loved her. I was on my seperationcation ....not even 2 hours into the flight and already having to confess I'm still legally married. Unfair. I didn't want to be married. I wanted to be divorced. I knew I wasn't that but I certainly wasn't married. It's a good thing I don't eat plane food. There would have been a run on the flying pantry! Speaking of which...all I wanted was one of those cute tapas boxes with the fancy olives and the cheese. I don't even like fancy olives and cheese. But fancy people eat it. And I was fancy. First class fancy. I was told I wasn't allowed to have said snack as they were for purchase only by the commoners behind the curtain. I never. Had I known the toilet was going to break and I would be forced into Commonerville to pee out said Blood Mary's...I would have taken the plunge and paid for the box. Stupid toilet.

Ask me what I remember about my vacation. Champagne & food. Food everywhere. Champagne everywhere. I would equate this to paradise. However, I saw one too many naked utters...yes utters...bcs the only people who go topless at these places should be nursing small calves. And one too many men in Speedos. I don't care if you're European. If you show me your dick I will attack. Perhaps a "Beware of Dick" sign would solve this issue. And one too many married couples who never vacation bcs of their stupid kids. They need resort training. Just like the mini-scuba certification training. There should be the "I've never been on vacation and need to know how to act" training. Bermuda shorts and Hawaiian shirts should never co-mingle. Never. Over talkative and annoying. I don't care where you are from or why you are here. I am here to get away from people like you. Go have sex before your wife leaves you for someone who will fuck her and not ask stupid questions. Again, all the inner voice..but a voice nonetheless. Thank God for cheap all inclusive champagne.

My favorite moment of the friend trying to order a drink at the kiddy pool bar. Classic. Nothing like being scorned for needing alcohol to tolerate kids and their dumb parents. It became our Diet Coke & water haunt. Didn't get back there much. Breakfast was a fat girls paradise...the egg guy, the donuts, the waffles. Why did this have to coincide with me wearing a bikini? I needed to go to an all inclusive ski resort. Eat all day and wear a ski suit by night. Perfectly acceptable. It was loud. Very loud. Always someone calling to check on something they promised to do and didn't. Random migrant workers banging shovels at 11am. People are trying to sleep around here. Gheez. Never enough towels. It's like you are suppose to wrap yourself in a hand towel and hope it catches everything. Not likely. Wouldn't catch a tear. I use a hand towel as a washcloth. Clearly this resort needed SIF orientation. I got my fat naps in. Every day. 4pm. Right about the time the phone started ringing and the banging resumed.

Did I have fun? Of course! Everyone knows tanned fat looks way better than pasty white lard. A drunk SIF is way better than a sober SIF. I can tolerate so much more under the influence. That is unless you seat me next to the snoring foreign woman on the 4 hour flight home. Seriously. After standing in line for hours to LEAVE the reward is Yaniqua the snoring illegal? Seriously. We saw her coming from a mile away. That person. The one you spot from afar and just know she's sitting next to you and it won't be pleasant. Didn't measure the carry on, over talker, snoring, constant pee-er, got the window know the one. Why was I Moni in the middle? However, I'll take the snorer over the TB patient sitting on the other side of my friend. How we got off the plane with CDC meeting us the gate...can't be sure. I just know I was fat, tired and tan.

What have I learned about all-inclusive vacations? Only cool fat people with no children should be allowed on the island. No utters. No Speedos. I'm so looking for an all inclusive trip to Alaska. I'm quite sure I could nap in peace there. No banging. No random chatter. Just fat naps and food. Paradise.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

I swear a new blog is coming this week...

I can't force these things out of me. I need a certain ratio of carbs to sarcasm. I haven't been able to master the formula over the last couple of weeks. I'm

Monday, March 5, 2012

Just back from all you can eat vacation...

New blog with details coming soon as I deliver my "fat baby"- stay tuned