Weigh in on this....

I must thank my good friend Susan for some of the material in this particular blog. Anyone who knows Susan knows there's no shortage of material when she's around! Luckily for me, Susan and I have a pre-arranged custody agreement to make sure I get enough time and material. Work gets her Monday- Friday, boyfriend gets her Tuesday's and every other Saturday and I get her in the summer for weeks at a time. It works out quite nicely. We share a love/hate relationship with food and fat. We both love food and we both hate being fat. As of late, the similarities are beginning to get a little sketchy. For example, she has lost her weight and well...I haven't. As if that weren't reason enough to put her up for adoption, it gets worse! On her most recent visit she actually went to McDonald's, ordered a burger and DIDN'T order fries! She's officially dead to me. No more Skinny Girl Martini's for you Fry Felon!

Do you enjoy going to the doctor? Did you ever notice that no matter why you go to the doctor they always want to weigh you? What's up with that? "Ummm yeah...I just crammed a stick up my ass and I think I may be bleeding internally." "Please step on the scale!" Bastards! I have compiled a list of ailments that should not require a weigh in. It is my full intention to present this list along with my copay upon my next office visit ...drum role please...

Never.

Now that we have that cleared up. I mean really! I'd rather stay home and die than share my digits for drugs. Ok that's just not true. For the right drugs I would have to say the humiliation could be overlooked. Pain killers, muscle relaxers, "baby be gones" just to name my Top 3. In case you were wondering... the drugs named were in sequential order to the tune of my life: Pain Killers allow me to be married, muscle relaxers take me to my special place where I have sex with Brad Pitt...and that brings us to the "baby be gones." Unfortunately when I wake up Brad Pitt has been replaced by my husband, I feel violated and the vicious cycle starts again. I know what you are thinking...Yes, my diet drugs use to make the Top 3...however, since the evil Feds cracked down on the Ephedra and my legalized crack tried to kill me...I found it too scandalous to list.

Just once I want to go to the doctor and not have to worry about the "BMI conversation". If I have a stick crammed up my ass....what about a balanced BMI is going to make that better?! A quicker exit perhaps? In any event, I started thinking back to see if maybe there was a time in my life when I went to the doctor and he suggested that I gain weight. No, I am not hyped on drugs 1 & 2 and yes I realize I'm reaching here. In fact, I do recall a time! Yes! It came to me whilst I was hypnotized (a blog in itself) to correct my issues with eating. I was 9....yup....9 months old and apparently I was losing weight like crazy. Learning to walk and crawl will do that to you. So the doctor told my mother to feed me more in order that I might gain back the weight that I lost. See I'm not crazy. Mother...you can stop feeding me now. I can walk, talk, got the eating down pat and oh...I weigh a metric ton. Thanks!

So poor Susan goes to the eye doctor thinking bad thoughts for all of the obvious reasons. She wanted laser eye surgery and fully expected to be called to slaughter for the evil weigh in. However, the tide seemed to be turning in her favor where these matter were concerned. Not only did she NOT have to step on the scale, she was given quite a compliment. The doctor informed her that her Corneas were too thin for the surgery! Yippee....too thin! Hold your applause. In this case being too thin is a bad thing! Trickery! Always trickery! SIF wait years to hear the words "too thin" but not from the eye doctor! Hey, I got an easy fix for this one. If I'm telling the story it goes something like this, "Yeah I went to the doctor today to see about that surgery. He said I was too thin." End of story. New topic starts now!

The moral of the story is as follows: Make no mistake...Doctors play for the other team. In laments terms MD could mean any of the following: More Drama, More Drugs and/or Mean Doctors! SIF head my warning...behind that sliding glass window is your ticket to hell! Unless you need the Top 3 drugs on my list, you are sick enough to purge thus losing a quick 5 or if you are known to have thin corneas...stay away from the MD!