Losing the ones you love....

It's never easy saying goodbye to those responsible for shaping our lives, making us who we are... never realizing how much they mean to us until they are gone. Today I mourn the loss of a dear friend. Though I didn't even know her name, I feel like we had a bond...that special something that brings two people together when they need each other most. She was always there for me. When I was hungry... she provided, when change was needed...she provided, when I asked for anonymity....she provided. My only solace, knowing her death was quick and painless. She was gone without warning...right after I declared her, the drive-thru lady at McDonald's, officially dead to me.... as part of my New Year's Revelations of course. I'm not sure if this makes me a murderer but call it what you like...the bitch had to die. Her ability to sense my lust for sinful treasures lurking about the Dollar Menu (from inside her glass cage) was a talent known to few. It literally kept me in bondage for over 37 years! Die bitch die! RIP

Yes, this is what dieting does to me...makes me a little "off." I dare say I walk on that side more often than I care to admit. However, comma, I speak only the truth. It's been a week since I've been to the drive-through and I'm a little overcome with grief quite frankly. French Fries, Pomme Frites, Nectar of the Gods....call it what you like...the forbidden fruit is weighing on me....quite literally... on my ass thank you. Maybe if I threw out the mirrors and the scales I could have spared my smiley faced shift worker. Nah. There's always a doctor to keep you down. He claims I have some annoying "gene" that's attempting to over throw my right to a happy and healthy life. Yeah...I married him, so what do you propose I do? He had no good answers. We spent most of the visit arguing over the fact that my $15 co-pay still hasn't produced an accurate set of scales. They said I gained like 10 lbs. Clearly faulty. Blah Blah...eat whole grains...they will fill you up in a healthy way. So will Brad Pitt...why don't I munch on him? I'm sorry but whole grains taste like ass. Dirt to be precise. I wonder if there's a whole grain french fry? Gotta look into that. In the meantime I spend most of my New Years days angry. What is there to look forward to? Protein shakes and brown rice. My, my...why not throw in an enema?

In my new life, I watch a lot of TV.... so I can look at food I can't eat. According to the Dr., this "gene" is responsible for making me salivate in these situations. Add to that list...responsibility for the ability to eat 6 honey buns in as many seconds, generalized over eating and alcohol induced cravings. I like when there's someone to blame. I like it better when it's my husband but this will do for now. This "gene" is most likely derived from the male side of my family. I completely made that up... but in my mind it's fact. So yeah, watching TV. I watched Bear Grylls survive life at sea by giving himself an enema....ummm....yeah...I'd prefer death to shoving a make shift pipe up my ass in hopes of hydration. I bet he's good in bed. Seems kinky. Anyway, so after that little "TV" watching incident, I didn't really have an appetite to speak of. That worked...for a minute. Then my husband took over the remote. By now you know that means one thing...Discovery Channel. Yippee. Discover how I can eat whatever I want and not get fat...that's good solid TV. Instead, I watched two men climb to the top of some huge mountain carved to look like a woman's head. They were European and said things like "lest" and "whilst"...which made me happy...can't be sure why. Then they ruined it all by saying the following, " If we can manage to mount her, I think we make it to the summit." I started to panic and sweat profusely. Is this what my husband says about me when he attempts to "trip my light fantastic?" Mounting me in hopes of reaching my summit? It's a large woman's fear and I know it well. It seemed like a real possibility. Except for the part where he mounts me. You'll recall we work on the "You can just come and get it anytime you want it" system in our household. When the mountain is built on that kinda rock, the only one reaching the summit is me...thank you very much.

Other than all of that, dieting is just great. I'm back on the "house arrest" system. Nothing like having an evil band report in on what you do and don't do every day. The key to this system is in the lying. I have to enter what I eat. No good can come of this. You can't be on house arrest stealing and smoking crack. Nor can you be on "house arrest" eating honey buns and and cake...but I do. I'm on the gradual let down program....I gradually let myself down so the blow isn't so big when I'm still fat this summer. The best part of the new season of "house arrest"...I've assumed my husbands ID. Yes, he is now a slightly overweight, extra good looking woman. I'm sure he would be thrilled to know that. Now if I can just give him my period...working on that. Anyway, I did it bcs you get 3 months free on the "system" and we know I've used up all chances of being me! The worst part...I fear I weigh more than he does. Oh well....he should enjoy being me for a while...I put out for the asking, I don't leave my underwear on the floor and I happen to know the location of the dishwasher. Not easy being me. I guess I'll keep working the system as it appears I'm in for life.