MERSA

That would be my current diet plan after spending the weekend with my skinny friends. They say MERSA is everywhere, yet I can't seem to contract it. I need just enough to get off these last 400 lbs. But no....some schmekel from the burbs who weighs 110 lbs soaking wet can easily get my virus, die and I can't even get a solid week! Damn! Don't these people know how to work the system? Just enough to puke and lose the appetite. Dying is a clear sign of over achievement. Yes, things have taken a turn for the worse. The "sisters" came down for the weekend and failed to tell me they no longer eat OR shop at Forever 6x! A post card would have sufficed! Gheez. Lots of them wanting to go to the beach and pretend to eat. Whatever. I stuck to the sun coffin and naps in the womb. I can't be broken. Whilst I was awake, I held firm to my agenda by making small cuts to various appendages and rubbing them against public door knobs and such. Still...no Mersa. Perhaps my fat inhibits such lethal viruses from entering my body. Perhaps. Can a fatty get a break?!

You should know I haven't been able to run in over 6 weeks. Why? Oh bcs some nice man from the Census (as if stalking me in my home wasn't enough) decided to rear end me thus causing damage to the only place I should have been protected....my ass! One would think there was enough fat there to cover the SI joint/ligament whatever it is....but apparently not. 30 days from bathing suit season let's hit fatty and make her unable to do any form of cardio...unless you count inhaling as cardio in which case I am still going strong. So....I have been asked by the medical profession to "walk" as opposed to run. I'm sure some of my readers are walkers....and for that I am truly sorry. I am not a fan. Much like everything in my life, I like any form of cardio to be over quickly. If you give me too much time to think, I'll be the divorced cat lady in a week. Who wins in that scenario? The cat....until I have a craving for General Tsaos and then things just go down hill quickly. Anywho, walking. I have been walking. There I said it. The Dr. said I could "walk." To me, that means 5+ miles. To the Dr....1 mile. Who gets out of bed to walk a mile? Well maybe to KFC but not at 7am....unless they started serving breakfast and no one told me. Clearly the Dr. doesn't realize the kind of calorie deficit I'm up against! I'd have to walk to NY and back to get in the green! I'll have you know I once walked 31 miles....1x....never again. Walking sucks. To help ease the pain I enlisted Axel Rose. Most people walk to Bach...I walk to Axel..."Welcome to the Jungle" is the current theme of my life. Anywho, so today I'm moving along at what I believe to be Olympic speed when a 75 year old woman approaches me and motions me to take off my headphones. She better be dying. Nope. She decided it would be nice to tell me that we were walking at the same pace. Lovely. From marathon runner to Senior Games competitor in just 6 weeks. Only I would get hit by someone working for the gov't thus aging me 100 years and 100 lbs.

This is exactly what I mean...this shit only happens to me! Normal people get rear-ended by Johnny Redneck with no insurance...I get "Bob Smith" annoying Census worker. I shoulda popped a cap in his ass when he came to the house....I wouldn't be in this situation. So I have some free time on my hands for the sport of choice...channel surfing. Did you hear the one about the 2 chicks who tazed the Wendy's worker for not putting pickles and mayo on their sandwich?! Just hearing that makes me want to run out to the drive thru and score some free food with my 9! I'm a trained FATASSaign. I may be the only one taking their side. Leaving off key items such as pickles and mayo is...well it warrants violence quite frankly. Sisters....if you need me to testify....holla. Makes me wish I had a tazer for that F'r that hit me. His car is fixed and 60 days later I'm running from Dr. to Dr. getting my ass rearranged. I had to start wearing underwear to spare the medical profession shock blindness. Yes, I grew all of this on my own. I like the chiro assistant the best. She rearranges my thong just so before applying shock therapy to my nether region. I appreciate her defference to the amount of pressure that 1 inch piece of cloth I call "thong" is under. Anyway...

I've been trying to watch my carbs in light of my current situation. Watching them is annoying so I just eat them. It's easier to keep track of them when we are "one." All of this walking/thinking has me wondering...what idiot created the institution of marriage? Hmmm....I'm gonna go with "man" as they seem to be the primary beneficiary. Let's see....how can we get our laundry done, blow jobs AND a clean house....WE SHALL CALL HER "WIFE!" I told you....no good can come of this walking. Why just today someone asked me why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. *Pause for "PC" answer"...oh it's so tight on my finger with this heat....or maybe....it's being re- sized or....I simply forgot as I was in a hurry. Common man isn't prepared to hear: " I have broken free of bondage if only for 1 day!" I need to get back to running... soon. It's like the more I walk the more I see. I have been shit "at" by birds and accosted by old ladies but nothing compares to the 20/20 marriage vision that comes with walking. If you are happily married...I recommend a gym membership. Time to sue the government for the demise of my ass and my marriage. In an odd twist of fate...my girlfriends husband told me if I needed a boyfriend his 2 friends think I'm hot. Translation: they are either kin to Stevie Wonder or they just don't care how fat they fuck. I think I'll stay married.

I guess for now I'll keep walking and rubbing elbows with MERSA. I wonder if MERSA is like too scared to be with me for fear of attachment...you know...like Brad Pitt. Maybe that's it. If you happen to be a reader who's currently infected, email me and I'll send you my address. I am set up to accepts specimens via email.