Drivers Education SIF Style

I decided to test a theory I have that technology is making me fat. Leave it to me...when I run out of people to blame, I start blaming the smart people. It's what I do. I give you the drive up window. Everyone who's anyone has one. I decided to be a "fatlosipher" and see how many things I could accomplish in one day without prying my fat ass from the drivers seat of the 4Runner...here goes:

* I started the day off like many Americans do.... with a coffee and donut from none other than Dunkin Donuts! Drove up, placed my order and drove off. I steered clear of the donut holes as my local DD likes to get a head count on each one....I'm not into that....but....it felt good knowing I was consuming what "Keeps America Running"....to the cardiologist. And currently that would be the only running I'm allowed to do....bitter at best. Moving on...

* Then it was time to turn over my slave wages to the evil bank. I drove up, handed off the money and bam.... I'll never see it again. Good thing they pay me .00000125% interest. Makes it all worth while. Super bonus score....I didn't have to wait behind any of the usual idiots who drive up sans deposit/withdrawal slips. They must be related to the people who think you have to wait until the cashier has scanned everything before you can swipe your card at the grocery store and then act like they've never used one before. Get a clue... technology is for people who graduated pre-k! Still bitter....still driving....

* Now it was on to the fuel that keeps me going....drugs! Walgreen's here I come! A dose of happy pills to take me to my special place, baby be gones to ensure this never happens again and a little allergy medicine to keep me from sneezing when my husband is around. Seems I might be allergic to....him. Interesting. I don't think they make a shot for that....other than a 9mm...which seems a little drastic at present.

* What to do next...well...all of this running around has given me an appetite...let's hit McDonald's! This is always a fun experience for several reasons....I like when the teleprompter chick says, "Welcome to MacDonalds would you like to cool off with a delicious Frappacino?"...makes me salivate but nope....I'd like to cool off with a delicious Double Quarter Pounder with cheese and fries...super sized please. What? It's all very logical when you think about it. Coffee makes you run to the bathroom. That would mean I would have to leave the comfort of my car. Not in the cards Sisters! 3000+ calories just makes you tired. I can deal with that from the confines of the 4Runner....moving on....

* All of the saturated fat has made me sleepy....time for a nap! Any parking lot will do. Find you a shade tree, park the car and bam...instant womb! I like to park where no one would expect to find me....yup....there's a lovely space reserved just for my slar phase at the local YMCA. What? It's very unassuming. Might I add it's mid-afternoon and I have yet to leave the vehicle. No goal is beyond my reach.

* Time for some gas...not too many places south of the border that still offer full service. That's why the north won y'all...we get that certain people like to be pampered and are willing to pay for it! (that was pay back for all of the times I've been called a Yankee since moving here). So anyway, down here in the land where the South truly believes they will rise again....You have to do a little work to get full service. Ya gotta press the mic, give them some random reason you need assistance (Like...I'm 450 lbs over weight and lazy!) and slip them a few bucks for their silence. I feel compelled to say that I like the state of NJ for one reason....and one reason only....they do not pump their own gas. Random sign of the cross.

* Now that the tank is full, I'll need something to wash down the baby be gones, the happy pills and the husband zappers. Nothing a quick trip through the Brew Thru can't cure! This is where the South gets credit...single greatest invention ever...drive up beer joint. It's a lazy fat drunks paradise. So, I drive in, place my order (Double Deuce in a brown paper bag....classy aren't I?) and pop the pills that keep my life harmonious. No babies, no problems and no itching from spousal unrest. Wait...why I am taking baby be gones? Rumor has it you have to have sex to make babies. I think I may be safer than Mother Theresa. Sign of Cross.

So, as you can see, my theory has proven itself factual.... the fine art of convenience is clearly what's keeping me fat. I can literally get everything I want without lifting my fat ass from the seat of my vehicle. Yes, this means sex too. Don't think I can't pull up on some hotties and score me a little sompin sompin if I need to. Hell I look good from the waist up. By the time they realize what's going on south of the border, they are trapped! 911 won't find a deprived SIF on the move! Lookout! I think if I am ever going to be thin I will need to replace my car with a bike. It would be hard to pull off my tricks in plain sight. Not to mention I would be burning calories whilst sabotaging myself. It's a theory worst testing. I bet I can eat and steer with one hand. I'm good like that....