Wednesday, June 18, 2014

What's the Point?....I'm back!


I’m on a diet (Pause for shock factor). A SIF once told me, “You have to be hungry to lose weight.” Hunger makes me angry. Nothing should keep me from the foods I love. If you expect me to be a happy salad eating hooker, you should seek another outlet for your delusions of grandeur. I’m angry. And hungry. No good can come of this. You know…every so often whilst writing this blog, a SIF randomly messages me a nugget of greatness….a chicken nugget if you will… dipped in hot mustard…my favorite. I give you the following text just in from a SIF we shall call “Mandrea” (names changed to protect the fatties)…ughum…”Is it bad that I just licked the crumbs from the bottom of my snack bag?” To which I replied, “Absolutely not. You make me proud.” I couldn’t buy better friends. Except Little Debbie. She’s cheap and delicious. “They” say you are the 5 people you hang around. I guess that means I’ll be licking crumbs in short order. I’ll spare you the details on the other 4. Try as I might…these little mind fucks you must adhere to in order to lose weight do not work on this SIF. Exhibit A: “Nothing tastes as good as skinny looks.” Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Exhibit SIF: Grab a #2 Combo, a picture of Angelina Jolie and head for a mirror. Open mouth, insert #2. Now look at Angelina whilst savoring your delicious #2. Tell me she looks better than a #2 tastes…I dare you. SIF 1…Stupid sayings made up by starving people desperate to lose weight…0

I’ve tried every diet in the book. Time for a new book. I’m no quitter. I fear that’s what pushed me out of acceptable BMI range. That and Taco Bell. God I miss you Taco Bell. Everything lovely wrapped in a warm, cheese-filled tortilla. Clearly dieting is worse than death. Why must I be kept from the things I love? I digress. I don’t like to be told what to do. However, when it comes to dieting…I need a full on drill instructor 25 hours a day. I’m a good little exerciser (as long as fat back isn’t keeping me down). The issue is hunger…and cravings and I hate healthy food. To the quinoa and veggie crowd…I’m calling you out. There’s just no way you really like eating that shit. I realize its good PR for your healthy agenda but come on….tell me a little bacon and fried chicken doesn’t moisten you up a bit?! They can’t be trusted. Check their closets…chicken bones falling out by the dozen. I guarndamtee it (that was for you sweets). I went back on the points. I figure I’ve watched my weight increase for months…might as well go on Weight Watchers and let someone else watch it. It’s militant. The fatter you are the more points you get. This information should not be at my disposal. I’ve already found a way around the system…lie about my weight. I’m a pro at that. I ask you, who lives on 26 points? One piece of fried chicken and I’m done for the day! What about my wine? I could easily use all my flex points drinking vino on a Monday night! I’d like to know who’s responsible for coming up with the point allocation. The Skinnagers, the ¼ Pounders…the quinoa crowd. The possibilities are endless. I’m now their bitch.

Two words. Portion Control . Three words. Pain level high. I never really thought of myself as an over eater. However comma, when you are forced to portion out your food, you realize quite quickly what an aggressive over eater you actually are! Who eats these pint size portions? Allow me to answer that…newborns! I fear I got more from mothers boob than I do from Weight Watchers! And not for nothin she was/is a minus A cup! Sorry Mother. You started this mess. Think twice before you hide your M&M’s in my desk again woman. So I’m making one of “their” recipes…which by the way actually contains a fair amount of acceptable ingredients…like cheese and pie crust. The issue…you get just enough to make you want to car jack someone at the drive thru and steal their #2! “They” say wait 20 minutes and you will feel full. I say…I could wait 3 days and a “normal” portion would fail to complete me! It did not have me at hello, goodbye or anything in betwixt! Clearly there should be some sort of “scaling down” for the morbidly obese such as myself. Like…give me 100 points and let me work my way back. I’m running around like Pookie from New Jack City trying to beg, borrow and steal points from fellow Weight Watchers! It’s not attractive. My ousting from the Weight Watchers online community is eminent. I fear I may be an addict.

Food makes me happy. I wake up thinking about what I’ll have for lunch, dinner and everything in between. When these thoughts are ripped from my brain and replaced with random mind control…I mean portion control, I get evil. What is there to look forward to? Really? No drinking, no eating, stopping before I’m full. Fat is way better. If only there was a better word for it. I fear I’m beyond curvy. Plus size might work. I think that’s a size 2 these days. Can’t we just bring back the 50’s when women had curves, never worked and men were fine with all of it as long as they were being fed and serviced?! I’m willing to give up equal rights for food. It’s come to that. Jenny Craig and her team of feminists will just have to take a back seat to my food aggression. And Weight Watchers too! My sweet says he loves me no matter what. That’s code for “I’m currently looking for your replacement big girl.” Can’t have that. So much pressure to step away from the fork when all I want to do is stab people with it! I’m a glutton for punishment…a talking scale (complete with a bitchy tone) and points. I fail to see the point.

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