Andrea in the His...ouse!

I have my very own "guest blogger" right here next to me in womb! Yup...she's sitting about 2 feet west of Napoleon Dynamite and due north of my Casierllo del Diablo (that's cellar of the devil for all you non ESL peeps). Andrea is a down home SIF! She's loves some suga and some "suga" if you know what I mean! I've asked her to share some SIF stories from up yonder (which would be PA) so that y'all know eating is not just a Southern disorder....oooookkkay!I'll have you know that on her way to the OBX...she had occasion to pass the infamous PA Turnpike Vegas Style Penitentiary! Even after heeding my blogamous warnings, brave Andrea stopped to take a pee and a peek. Apparently Starbucks is worth dying for even when they stop brewing at 9pm! She ran into some convicts, was denied decaf and safely peed without incident. Sound familiar?

SIF around the globe...we must unite to help Andrea. She is the victim of a violent and unthinkable crime...FOOD THEFT! Yes my people someone stole Andrea's most prized possession...her Italian Cream cake...straight off the boat from....Wal-mart! No sooner did Andrea return home from said Italian bakery and place her most valuable creation on the counter when a food thief appeared ready to make a swap...guilt for pleasure! The worst part...she brought this little heathen into the world....her own child was attempting to make off with the Wally World Cream Cake! Say it aint so! As he removed the cake from the counter he axed, "Did you buy this for me?" ....um yeah...cause SIF are known for sharing! Not! Then he did the unthinkable, "Aren't you on a diet?" "You kiss you mama with that mouth boy!" It was a first degree felony and death would be his sentence. Andrea decided she would bust out SIF rule #1457...when you've already eaten a burger and fries on your diet you should immediately wash it down with Italian Cream Cake. Everyone knows that...except this little felon she calls, "son!" Much like a commoner he pleaded, "So just bcs you messed up you are going to eat cream cake?" Andrea replied, "Yes mother fucker (sorry I took some liberty)...."Yes, I am" was the answer. He went on to tell her that's not how it works. In true SIF style Andrea told this demon from another mother, "Look, I squeezed your 130 pound ass out of hole that's currently not getting alot of attention. Unless you have a solution to that problem, I suggest you pass me the cream cake bitch!" Damn Gina!

Then Andrea did what every SIF does when backed into a corner with Italian Cream Cake from Wal-mart on the line...she asked nicely, begged, and then threatened the little vermin! Let's break that down, "Please give me my cake"... "Give me my cake... I need my cake"... and then "Look, I may not have a period anymore but I still PMS...give me the fuckin cake!" Ouch....do I smell mother of the year or is that Italian Cream Cake?!! Knowing he was defeated, the child she calls "son" relented with one final comment, " Fine but I don't want to hear you talk about being fat again!" Then he exited the residence and she began her quest to conquer said Italian Cream Cake. Was it worth the battle? Hell yeah! She's salivating whilst telling me the story. "Shaved white chocolate, walnuts, thick cream icing"....pause she has to relieve herself after reliving said story. Unfortunately the story has a sad ending...after only 6 helpings, the felonious child and his accomplice re-entered the residence, ate the remaining layers of cake and told said mother in detail of their crime. Make you wanna get a hysterectomy. Me too.

Here's the best part...when someone attempts to steal your joy...be it cake...a man (yeah whatever...I got one with a "Free" sign on him)...what would you do to save face? Here's a more in depth look at Andrea's keen hostage negotiation skills:

"You can keep the cake, I'll just drive back to Wal-mart for another one." Small boy states he will hide car keys.

" I'll just call Aunt Beck and she'll take me to Wal-mart." Small boy states...fine take the cake.

I'd have to say Andrea won by TKO! 2 rounds and that little punk went down! Clearly no match for a SIF. 10 minutes after the criminal left the crime scene, Andrea lept from her bed to eat her victory. MMMMM.

As if I haven't provided enough reasons to stay single, I feel like I've taken a step towards birth control with the help of Andrea. Pregnancy makes you eat, kids steal your food and not for nothing your vajayjay suffers greatly at the hands of men and children... enough! Eat, drink, be merry and if you must have sex...remember this blog and wrap that dog accordingly!