Tuesday, July 28, 2009

MIA...in 80's

I know...where have I been?! Sorry for the lack of fat deposits. I've been...verging. I have so much going on and yet I seem to get nothing done. Translation...I've been over eating and hiding from you. Here's a rundown of my latest ventures:

Def Leppard Concert
If you think this is a musical ensemble of mute jungle creatures...you are partially right! Every year when Def Leppard comes to town I transform into the ultimate groupie. 80's hair bands are right up there with apple fritters... and if you don't like them... you are clearly stupid and skinny! My plan was to lose weight, bust out my leather pants, get back stage tickets and leave my husband for...well any one of them that would have me. I would profess my undying love for whichever one bit and live the rest of my life a rock stars wife. Let's see....I ended up in section 202, wearing jeans, weighing in at about 350, peed my pants, lost my friends and left a bartenders wife. Much like the rest of my life, a big FAT disappointment! I did manage to touch Phil Collin's hand (the guitar player) however I'm sure he washed his hand within 2 months of the event unlike me. I make no excuses for myself. There are just certain things from the 80's I refuse to part with: aforementioned Apple Fritters & 80's hair bands, Long John Silvers and Boo Berry cereal. Yes, I am quite a catch.

The Motherland
After barely surviving the Def concert, I headed to upstate NY with my Pork Chop (no I didn't transport the "other white meat" across state lines...he's my dog) to...well I'm not sure what we hoped to accomplish other than some E&E...exercise and eating. The combination of champions.
I always go home when the big fair comes to town because it provides me endless entertainment with a side of self-esteem! When I say "big fair" I should give you a visual: dilapidated rides operated by the "pens" finest, booths that fry everything from Oreo's to small children and a beer tent where the patrons out number the teeth. *Pause for puking in back of mouth* As gross as that sounds...I went every night! I love fried everything and not for nothing...I was actually one of the skinnies in that crowd! So, as I was wandering around the grounds I noticed that the fried dough peeps were looking for someone to travel with the show and make people fat up and down the east coast. The temptation was great but...after much thought (and a funnel cake) I realized that a fatty selling fried dough would be like Magic Johnson selling sex. Just doesn't work. On the last night of the fair there is a big parade that comes right by my parents house. So I plopped my lawn chair in the front yard, grabbed a beer and waited for the passing entertainment to start throwing candy. It's not often a fatty can get away with sitting on her big ass while someone chucks candy at her...and it's perfectly acceptable ta boot! That is until you start shoving small children out of the way to snag a Cow Tail...man I love those things! I must admit I shed a tear when the fair pulled out. Mostly bcs I knew it would be a whole year before I could enjoy funnel cakes and felons again. My Mom (you'll recall her as the M&M hoarding Heavenly Has Queen of the 80's) gave me some good material whilst I was home. Her new saying "I'm still burning." My Mother feels that if she walks 4 miles on Monday and wants a Ho Ho on Friday it's perfectly acceptable bcs...you guessed it "She's still burning." I'm not sure calorie burning extends over a week but I felt like I might could (southern vernacular) use that to my benefit at some point or another so I let it slide. Still burnin Maa!

So I stopped working in February because the voices in my head told me to do so. I'm not certifiable (well depending on who you ask)...just a writer. I want to write books about all of the crazy thoughts that flow freely through that little area I call my brain. So far the score is Book: 0 Fat: 350. I had one of my friends call a bunch of publishers thinking that if someone expressed interest in me it would get my big ass in gear! Kinda like when you see Jenny Craig commercials and think if she comes into your home you will lose weight. Secret: The food taste like wallpaper, you starve and those lying little bitches on TV gain all the weight back soon after you make the call. Some of the publishers wanted to see a manuscript and others weren't taking on new writers. That baffled me. What if I wrote the fatty version of Harry Potter...."Cherry Cobbler." Bet they wouldn't be turning down that money would they? The worst offenders were the trickster publishers. They act interested, call you, get you all excited and then inform you that you will have to pay THEM to get published! I mean to tell you it psychologically damaged me for a week! It took me back to that day in the 80's when I wanted to be a model. I applied to all of the top agencies. Of course they all said, "No" except one....Barbizon. They wanted me. I convinced myself that they knew they were in the presence of the next Cindy Crawford...sans mole add red hair and freckles. Well...sure enough when it came time to do my portfolio...you guessed it...they wanted $$$! I got news for you Publishers...nobody puts Baby in the corner and I aint paying to get published bcs this time I know I gots the goods! That being said I'm sure I'll be stroking a check any day now. "Deflected childhood model writes best seller"- look for that headline in your local paper.

From Here
I am sending my first 5 book concepts to 2 top publishers this week. As soon as they turn me down I'll be setting up a PayPal link to fund the publishing of my book...kidding! The books will be about women, the issues we face and always have a comedic spin. If you enjoy the blog, send me some feedback. It's your feedback that keeps me consistent. I try to blog (only) when I have something funny to say but I plan to blog at least 1x per week while I'm writing the book. You guys will be the first to know when it's finished and where to get it. I plan on the first one being a biggie...complete with a line of merchandise and errrything! Love you guys!