Monday, April 20, 2009

Checkin Out

We all know how dangerous it is for a SIF to go grocery shopping. However, at least once a week it must be done. I try and follow the rules: Don't go food shopping while hungry, stay away from the inner aisles and read all labels carefully. However, these rules don't exactly work on a SIF for all of the obvious reasons: A. We eat when we aren't hungry B. Our carts gets better mileage on the inner aisles and C. Labels are designed to trick the fatties! Allow me to elaborate. I can walk into a supermarket fresh off hours of grazing at the Western Sizzlin and still purchase everything from the left over! As for the carts...that's a whole nother matter. I swear those damn carts have fatty GPS! No matter how hard I try to stay within the outer aisles, my cart always ends up somewhere between the Twinkies and the Capn' Crunch. That brings up another issue with those damn carts...I always seem to get the squeaky cart...always. Personally I think "they" position the squeaky carts for the fatties so that "they" know where we are at all times. How would "they" know which cart we were going to choose in attempt to fat track you ask? Easy. The carts closest to the door on the inside are dead giveaways. Two reasons: 1. Aint no fatty walkin in the store with a cart (makes us appear anxious) and 2. Aint no fatty walking too far to find a cart once she's inside the comfort of the grocery store. Hell, it's all we can do to pass up the motorized ones...ooooookkkkay! Theory proven.

Moving on to my next point...labels. It's felony trickery. It's assault with a deadly weapon... full intent to kill. Riddle me this...if the label says: "low fat," "no trans fat" and "a good source of calcium" one would assume this particular product to be part of a healthy and balanced diet, no? Allow me to reveal the identity of said product...A FLIPPIN $1.29 BOX A HO HO'S! Correct me if I'm wrong but the last time I checked out the food pyramid (circa 1972) I don't recall seeing Little Debbie hanging out with the legumes?! Maybe if the label read: "Look you fat Bitch, you eat this, you sho enough gonna die" I might think twice about tossing it in the cart! Or maybe not. Addicts do crazy things for their vices. If Little Debbie is the devil I'm ready for hell! She's an evil little behatch. The only labeling that seems to go against the grain is Diet Coke. I find the label to be honest and quite enchanting....Mostly bsc it says diet and I know it to still taste good but that's besides the point. The ingredients are pretty straight forward: Color, Chemicals and Caffeine...sans sugar sans calories. Yet, "they" (in an attempt to take away any pleasure from the fatties) warn of trickery. Trickery?! Selling me artery clogging ho hos' disguised as health food packaged with a "Hedi" clone for under $1.50...that's trickery! Diet Coke is innocent of all charges! "They" say that it contains sodium and drinking too much may spike your blood sugar thus making you hungry. Hungry? If you are drinking something that starts with the word "diet" you were hungry before you started and furthermore...if the sodium content in a bucket of fried chicken aint killed me yet, I doubt the Diet Coke is takin me down. The prosecution rests...

If you have yet to buy into my conspiracy theories...I give you one last piece of evidence that will surely win you over. ** Pause for mental preparation** When the store has been cleared of everything "Low in fat", "sans trans fat" and "full of calcium" I proceed to the checkout lanes with a certain level of excitement. In a ritualistic sort of fashion I usually go in front of the cart, empty it from back to front and then step to the side of the cart so that I can pull it back in front of me. I say usually bcs lately that tactic hasn't been working so well. It seems I've gained some evidenced by my fat ass getting stuck between the cart and the candy rack! It''s not pretty. Luckily the Snickers are very forgiving. Anyway, you know how most grocery stores require a "shopper card" to participate in the weekly specials right? Another example of "Big Brother" looking into my fridge but that's ok...I have no shame. I present my card with pride and watch the dollars dwindle down to a somewhat respectable total. From there, I pay the cashier and prepare to take my food to the car. But wait...Big Brother has a present for! I'm usually quite excited to receive such gifts but one day I happened to actually look at the coupons they gave me. I was shocked and appalled! One would think that the coupons would mirror the purchases made. If that rang true I should have been looking at an assortment of Little Debbie discounts and at least $1.00 off some Tater Tots. Not so much! There were all sorts of Weight Watcher frozen meal Coupons, Skim Milk coupons and even a coupon for Diet Coke....which confused me bcs I thought that was on my team?! So obviously the register has been pre-programmed to combat fat! Say it aint so! Do "they" think if they give me a deal on healthy food I will become on of them?! Not! I'd spend my last dollar at Taco Bell and wipe my ass with the coupon for Skim Milk before I'd let Big Brother transform this fatty! Maybe it's time I started shopping with the Skinagers and the Quarter Pounders. If my theory holds true, we could trade coupons and all would be right with the world. Down with Big Brother!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Crack in the eggs

If little Johnny wakes up on Easter Sunday to a chocolate bunny that's missing certain critical appendages, what can one assume from this? Mommy is a SIF I suspect! Yes, I fear many SIF children wake up on Easter Sunday to find Cadbury Eggs over easy and Peeps minus one of their Peeps! It's one of the worst in a series of "Fat Girl Holiday's" and the seriousness of the occasion shouldn't be overlooked. Where was Daddy whilst Mommy stayed up until 2am "hiding Easter Baskets?" Surely he must have smelled her chocolate peanut butter breath when she climbed into bed after her big debut as Peter the "Crack" Rabbit! Nope. Daddy didn't even hear the premature cracking of the eggs or the rabbits screaming as their ears were being sucked into the jaws of a sugar crazed mother drooling on her footed pajamas. Nope. Instead, Daddy broke SIF rule #4567...never trust a crack addict to play drug dealer. Lesson learned.

My father often made the same mistake over the years. Little did he know, every day was "Easter" in my top desk drawer. That's where mother hid the peanut M&M's and whatever else she could fit in between my algebra and history books. And they wonder why I wasn't the smartest egg in the basket? Mommy gave me crack Daddy. **pause and process** In an attempt to repent for said crimes, Mommy always took us to church on Easter Sunday. We were Catholic and guilt was met with open arms in the Catholic church. When I say "we" were Catholic I may not be able to include myself...**pause for confession**...

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned (and continue to do so daily)it's been 36 years since my last confession. Here's the problem: I think I may not exactly be Catholic based on one incident in particular. Ummm...yeah... I sort of "took" first communion in the sense that one "takes" but I didn't exactly "take it" per say. Let me break it down for you father: I love me some bread but unleavened aint my thing. I'm quite sure If Jesus were to rise again he'd switch to Ciabatta or French. Anyway, I may have taken the body of Christ upon making my first communion but I sorta wiped it under the first pew...right side. **sign of cross** I didn't mean to but it could have used some butter or olive oil and well... I couldn't seem to get it down. It kept sticking to the roof of my mouth. Mother taught me not to chew with my mouth open and my tongue couldn't pry the unleavened disc away from the retainer that I was forced to wear in an effort to straighten the teeth that I'm confident I inherited from George Washington... So I reached in, peeled it off with my fingers, pretended to swallow and discretely wiped it under the pew. No one noticed a thing. I looked so cute and innocent in the white dress I borrowed from my cousin that no one saw the pasty body of Christ dangling underneath my butt. I guess the Catholic guilt thing never really worked on me bcs I smiled for the pictures and pretended to be one of the chosen ones. Forgive me Father."

Wheeew! A weight has been lifted. I do believe that to be the only time in my life that I have walked away from food...willingly. Even back then I could spot a SIF from a mile away...even in church. There was this one lady who always sat right up front, took up 2 spots in the pew and carried a large purse. All signs that she was a SIF. Why you ask? Gotta be closest to the bread and wine at church? Is your big ass holdin up seats from other sinners? You got snacks in your over sized purse and crumbs to prove it? a SIF! Anyway, I know for a fact that she took at least two bodies of Christ every Sunday! Now I'm all for over eating and known for trying two of everything but never have I gone so far as to take more than my fair share of the body of Christ! SIF, we must pray for her. Now that I am older and of independent mind, I have chosen a church that better suits my needs. They offer unlimited sourdough and grape juice sans guilt! Thank you Jesus! I think we have learned an important lesson here. If you give a SIF an inch she'll gain an inch! How did the significance of Easter go from the Resurrection of Christ to Cadbury Eggs and Peeps? I dare say the SIF are to blame! Give us a holiday, we'll give you a reason to hide food and binge eat! Thanks Easter Bunny!