Sunday, November 16, 2008

Amber Alert.. Queen Fattie escapes OBX?

No worries fellow fatties...I've relocated my fast clusters to MD for a job that actually pays real live money. Did I mention I left the husband, the house and the dogs behind? Yeah. Yeah I did that. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get good chain restaurants within walking distance. SIF loves TGIF. Anyway, due to high stress I have taken a break from blogging to concentrate on what really matters during this very difficult time...emotional eating. On the menu this evening is Smart Pop popcorn mixed with Peanut M&M's. It covers the food groups quite nicely. As is the case every Sunday night, I've vowed to change into "the new me" come Monday morning. Being that Monday morning is officially 5 hours away...I have some work to do. It's hard to cram in all of the "lasts" before dawn. The pressure...

Susan is prepared to act as my fat publicist in the event that people start talking. During the fat stage: "Kelly respectfully requests that you respect her privacy during this very difficult time." Then there's the post fat stage: "Kelly just woke up one day and stopped eating. It was the craziest thing." So as you can see I'm prepared on all levels for failure and success. That's key. Let's be clear. I have no plan. I left my beloved "crack" in the OBX. Can't get my hands on that til Friday. Shit. Then there's Thanksgiving. I reserve the right to "holiday eat." Anyway, I'll keep you posted on my success/failure as things progress. Until then, I need to get back to binge eating.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Scary Politics

I don’t know what disturbs me more…Halloween or Politics. Both scare me. Both require you to disguise who you are so that people will give you things. So it boils down to what disturbs you less…votes or candy. If you are reading this blog, I can only assume your vote has been cast in favor of candy. At least candy gives you some sort of pleasure without all of the drama. Just unwrap, savor and swallow. I guess the same could be said for Politics… except when you get caught unwrapping, savoring and swallowing, drama is surely going to follow! Maybe we should have the candidates dress up and trick or treat for votes. Think about it….if we just knew them for their agendas, we could make a legitimate vote on the issues. My sources tell me (gossiping at the office) that in the history of the Presidency, the better looking candidate has always won. This is why I think Brad Pitt should get on the ballot. He could ban junk food, sex and napping and still get my vote! I would make a wonderful First Fat Lady.

So no matter who or what you voted for just know there’s always candy. I know bcs I am still eating my way through a “pumpkin” of Halloween candy that was given to me undoubtedly bcs I am slightly over my BMI. You can’t hide everything under a Halloween costume. In fact, I don’t even dress up. No matter what I put on, I’d always be the fat version of it. “Oh yeah, it’s Plus Size Cinderella or maybe it’s The Wicked Witch of Weight Watchers.” Yeah. I don’t need that. I prefer to answer the door, give out some candy and eat my share until the next victim arrives. I can’t imagine what would happen if a real live politician showed up at my house. I guess I would push my own agenda…like taking the calories off of labels and telling me there’s no trans fat in Ho-Hos. If I’m eating something bad I don’t really need an actual breakdown of how bad it is. If found on an inner aisle, I assume no good can come of it. To that I add, no trans fat in a Ho-Ho implies that I am making a healthy choice. It should just say, “You won’t die as quickly.” Perhaps that’s what labels should do…list the years that will be added or subtracted from your life upon consumption. Umm…I think I’d be on my 14th life.

I am glad both Halloween and the Election are over. I am in full on preparation for Thanksgiving. Screw the pilgrims. This is a fatty holiday through and through! Whilst we are on my political agenda…I think triptaphan(sp) overload and Thanksgiving Coma should both be enough of a reason to make the day after Thanksgiving an official holiday. Can someone see to it that we get that on the ballot?

Monday, November 3, 2008

Sick and Tired

Just as I got rolling on the crack, sickness struck. It's like the Fatty Devil wants to keep me down. I went to the good doc to have my vitals checked and he informed me that the crack was making my blood pressure a little high....and?! Did I mention I could barely talk and happened to be coughing up a lung at the time. So I added a Z-Pack to my shopping list. I made the executive decision to go off the crack to let my body heal. What I thought would be a short detox is taking forever! I've now moved on to coughing like a veteran chain smoker. I proceeded to cough my way through lunch today. People were looking at me like I was a Leper. These are the times when I like to have a little fun. As I "felt" people staring I said things like, "Yeah so the test was positive...highly cure." That followed by a few belly coughs ensured the best table in the restaurant. Funny, no one wanted to share an appetizer.

Life sans crack is laced with jelly donuts and cream cheese. Somehow my blood pressure failed in comparison to narrowing arteries! I don't know what the hell the crack does but I know one thing for divorces me from food without one minute of separation! Fair...very fair! I was told I could take the crack with the antibiotics but unbeknownst to my body is under siege! Here are the current battles in progress: Upper respiratory infection, period, yeast infection and fat infusion. Conquering the first 3 will lead me to my final victory against the fat infusion. I will say that I haven't been as hungry with all of the germs invading my body. We know how much a SIF enjoys a good stomach flu when it works in our favor. That being said, I may have just eaten a jelly donut and a peanut butter bar. Or maybe that was my other personality. Can't be sure. Why would I have these things in the house? Why my husband of course. Why would I have him in the house. I just don't have an answer for that.

So I think next week will be my target date to get back on the crack. Perfect timing. It will be just in time to make me a "non-eater" for Thanksgiving. I am currently known for my second and third helpings. For once it will be nice to be known as "she barely ate." It will send shock waves through the family but they need some shock. Now that the time has changed I find myself sick, fat, tired and in my pj's by 6 pm. I just swallowed a vat of cough serum to ensure I sleep away any memories of the jelly donut and the peanut butter bar. All I have left of my my tryst is a good burp. I'm off to bed to dream of crack and skinny jeans. In that order.