Saturday, May 21, 2011

Fat Contagious?...and other random observations

Before I go off on a fat tangent, I would be remiss in my duties if I did not acknowledge today to be the end of the world. Allegedly. According to someone who thought it would be a good day to call the whole thing off. Here's the problem. I'm still here, still fat and still hungry. Nice try. There's always 2012. You'll recall, the survival packs are ready. Mental note: gotta remember to throw in El Conejo (he likes his current survival plan. Hard to tear him away). Whilst we are on a current events, it seems Wills finally decided to give up on this SIF and marry that skinny bitch Kate. I'm over it. After I found out royal etiquette calls for everyone to stop eating when the queen stops, that sorta did it for me. I'm a speed eater n all but I prefer to eat sans pressure. Mighta stabbed that bitch with my fork or something. I don't know how their laws work but I don't look good in stripes. I could always wait around for Harry but....well I don't like Harry. The name is dreadful. Harry. It's just gross. Why not something civilized like Dick. Anyway...

While the CDC has yet to post a warning, I am here to tell you there is a deadly virus running rampant. Fat. It's everywhere. Grab your masks, hide the children. Have you looked in your rear view mirror lately? Muffin tops, spare tires, fat back, fat front, bra fat, cankles, triple name it! For those of you who lead a sheltered life...stop by your local Wal-Mart for an education in FRIGHTENING! I'm starting to believe you have to be this side of 250lbs to grab a roll of TP at Wally World. Speaking of rolls, why does the over 250 crowd feel it's acceptable to squeeze all that ass into some junior sized attire and make the rest of us suffer? It's a moving violation at best. I considered shopping elsewhere until I had a revelation...I am one of them. I may not show up to the prom with chicken grease on my chin wearing a Forever 21 frock, but I am still guilty as charged. Guilty of rockin a two piece bikini that clearly needs to be sottered into a wet suit. My sentence? An incurable virus I shall share with those around me for the rest of my life. Afterall, what fun is the fat equivalent of HIV if you can't share it with those around you? Responsible is my middle name.

If you think fat isn't contagious, you are stupid. Plain and simple. Have a fatty over for dinner and see how much more you consume whilst watching her put a dent in the dinner rolls. I know this to be true for reasons cited time and time again on this very blog. Fry thieves. Makes me shutter to even type the words. Fatty goes to lunch with the 1/4 pounders and they order salad. True to form, fatty orders something heart stopping with a side of fries and a Diet Coke. Pretty standard stuff. However comma, when the food arrives the 1/4 pounders reach in and nab the fries from the fatty. Good way to lose a limb. I guess they feel better about themselves if their plate looks socially acceptable. Let the fatty take the hit and move in for the kill. That's what friends are for. My point is as follows, well I'm not sure I have a this point. I would just like to point out that a table full of 1/4 pounders wouldn't dare carry out such blatant atrocities. However, throw a fatty into the mix and it's fair game. I suppose the fatties should form their own minority. Seems everyone has a fat friend. I think that's the qualifier.

You should know the fat virus is not only's dividing. Dividing into some sort of super bug that's causing fatties to act like 1/4 pounders. I call bullshit. If Magic Johnson can fly to Europe and leave his AIDS across the pond, the fatties shall do the same. Here's what's going on. Fatty goes out to dinner with said 1/4 pounders. Instead of ordering the cardiac platter with a side of adipose, she orders almost healthy. Stay with me here. I know it's painful. When said food arrives, fatty eats slowly. Very slowly. Yes, this is serious. So slow the 1/4 pounders are waiting on her to finish. This is why I know the end of the world IS looming. Halfway through the steamed and grilled illusion, fatty summons the waiter. The unthinkable. A to-go box. Who even knew people had occasion to use such a thing? If you want it to go, call it in and wait in the designated parking area. Dining out means cleaning your plate. SIF rule #3425. Duh Winning. Anyway, fatty alleges she will take the other half home and eat it at a later time. Like on the way the the next stop light...before she hits McDonald's for some real food. Is there a pill for this? I fear not. The 1/4 pounders have forced the fatties into a shameful strain of fat HIV. It's a waste of time and money...and caloric expenditure if I may be so bold.

I fear I have the super bug. I have recently had occasion to get a to-go box and eat the leftovers whilst waiting for the check. I think that makes me terminal. I'm not saying fatties haven't always been about illusion. Mandatory tricks of the trade if you will. Showing up to work with a McDonald's coffee claiming that's all you got whilst wiping biscuits crumbs off your suit. Eating 8 plates at the holiday party bcs you ran 15 miles and forgot to eat before you came. Ordering 2 combos and telling the drive-thru guy your husband would like to super size his yet you are alone in the car and divorced. Stuff like that. I'm just sayin. Gotta watch the fatties. They are quick. They will sneak out after the check to make sure you don't see the fatty wagon hang a hard left for burger alley. If you are still in denial that this disease exists, invite me to dinner. I'm happy to infect you with all that is me. Hell, that would be the most excitement I've had in a long time. Vaginal closure is eminent. Sorry Mother. You lied to me about happily ever after. I'm airing the dirty laundry. That's how it works.

The next time you are out to dinner, be aware. Watch for the signs. Slow eating monstrosities. Random cries of fullness. Mini-vans peeling out of the parking lot with empty to-go boxes flying out the window. Requests to stop at Dunkin Donuts for coffee (news one goes to DD of coffee and no one goes to Hooters for the wings!)...stuff like that. You have been warned!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

New Blog coming soon!

Fatty has been on the road. I have an amazing amount of observations to share. However comma, I'm eating peanut M&M's in bed and I cant be disturbed. Cheating on my diet and my husband at the same. Multi-tasker, over achiever...that's me. Blog coming soon!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day To the original SIF...My Mother!

             Thank you for the little things... Heavenly Hash, The Green Jacket & 50lb bags of M&M's stowed in my desk. Clearly I would be nothing without your commitment to food hording.
                                                                 Love you Mother.