Saturday, October 15, 2011

How to lose an ass in 4 days...

And no I'm not speaking of a man. They are much more tick like in nature...tend to hang on a little longer than you'd like. Fuckin blood suckers. I'm literally speaking of your ass. The junk in your trunk. That large object with hail dents following you around everywhere you go. That one. Side bar- I find it very hard to concentrate on sharing such pertinent information whilst my neighbors partake in some sort of crack infested moon bounce party. The shot gun is loaded. Too bad I'm not such a great shot. However, I hear you don't have to be. I could probably take out at least one or twelve. Maybe if I go show them my uterus and tell them where babies really come from they will pack their shit and head off to military school. If you ever need a babysitter...don't call me. I will tell your children everything you don't want them to know, everything you really did when you were their age and then sell them to the gypsies for a profit. I'm an entrepreneur like that. You can imagine I don't get many calls.

Back to something  I actually understand....ass. It's quite ironic... for someone who doesn't get any ass... I sure am packin. My theory...swelling caused by under use. There's really no other explanation. In any event, let's talk about disposing of the turd cutter. *Pause for shock factor* Yes Mother I am going to say fuck and horrible terms like turd cutter. It's what I do. Cover your eyes. Simply put, in order to lose your turd cutter you can no longer consume anything containing calories. It's that easy. I've tested the theory. I sort of went on a diet back in July. Sort of because I never really commit to anything accept non committal type things. And I can't call it a diet bcs there was no formal plan...except to consume less than the 4 billion calories I was currently consuming. "Why consume 4 billion when you can consume 4million"- Thank you Dr. Evil. Your logic actually makes sense in my world. "Bring in the laser!" The laser was not part of my 4 day plan FYI. Most SIF are low budget and could never afford such luxuries. Hell I can't even afford Hostess...I got hang with that Ho Little Debbie. That bitch is cheap. I can get 10x more Swiss Rolls outa that hooka than Hostess. Frugal Fatty wins again. Why do I get so side tracked. Must be those fuckin crumb snatchers. I know they have grocery store cake. Killin me.

Between July and the end of September I lost 12 lbs. I single-handidly blame those 12lbs and the other 250 on my husband. Were I happier I would certainly not be eating everything from the left over. Clearly his fault. I have since taken measures to make sure this never happens again. Story to follow. So I lost 12lbs. Ladeefreakin da. It left me too fat for a size smaller and too "skinny" to rock my big girl shit. Not a good position to be in. Why is it when we lose weight suddenly think we look so hot? Perhaps I should call to your attention to the fact that 12lbs is a bucket of water out of the ocean that is me. I was so pleased with myself until.....until I realized that at one time 12lbs less was  fat to me.  And I still managed to gain another 12! Fuckin madness. Yesterday's fat is today's skinny I suppose. It gave me great pause. Pause often turns to panic when you realize 12lbs is an 1/8 of what's needed to return to supermodel status. Fuck it...big girl models are all the rage now. They call them "Women." Really. Then what the fuck are all these 1/4 pounders plastered all over the TV? Oh that's right...I shall call them "Juniors." Even if they are 63 and look like chain smoking saddle leather.

I'm going to get side tracked once more. I can't help it. I'm fat, ADD and verging. So I went shopping at a place with a "Woman's" section and a "Everyone else" section. I figured between the 2 venues I could find something that fit me. This would require me to actually be able to try on something. I'm not your "leave the store and hope it works out" friend. I can't get shit to fit in on site much less in the confines of my womb. So I took my stack of hopeful sizes to the "Everyone elses" fitting room. And I waited...and waited...and waited. These skinny bitches take forever. Really? When your profile looks like a piece of drywall how hard can it be? Try looking like a lampshade. This takes time. Against my better judgement I headed to the "Woman's" fitting room. I literally entered the land of milk and honey. It had a concierge who hung your name on the door and there were 400 rooms as opposed to the 2 in the "Everyone else" section. As you can imagine I entered under an assumed named. Probably why my friends couldn't find me. I felt like a man in a strip club...not exactly guilty but happy to be serviced.

The fatty concierge was happy to get additional sizes and made me feel gorgeous. Lying whore. Fat people are so much happier than the skinny crowd. I made her get me another size in "normal people land" ....she seemed as displaced as whore in church. I know the feeling well. I felt bad for her. There was some lady trying on sequin party dresses. Glitter should be banned once you pass size 14. She couldn't have been more pleased to see herself lit up like a Vegas sign. It was time for me to head back to the other side. With the shirt I found. Shirts are never a problem since birthing the girls. Come to find out my sell out friends had taken a trip to the other side as well. What can we learn from this? Fat people are overly nice and shouldn't be forced to work outside of their comfort zone.

Back on track. How to lose an ass in 4 days...don't eat. Recently I took a girls trip which provided me an extreme amount of clarity and alot less calories. Unless you count wine calories in which case I failed on every level. In any event, when one is at an impasse and the light goes too do the calories. Not being able to eat was as confusing as it was beneficial. I would lift food to my face and it simply couldn't make it down the hatch. 4 days of no eating = ass blasting. No infomercial equipment needed. 1 part crisis + 1 part clarity - 100% calories = a pound a day of ass down the drain. At this rate I'll need to phone the plumber.  Don't say I never gave you any useful information here at the official site for SIF.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011