Tricks are for...

Before I go off on my daily tangent...let me update you on two things. A. I will not be discussing the man gene today and 2. Counting points is about as much fun as sticking pins in my eyes! First to the man gene...I have a great tirade on this subject that must be saved for a later date. I'm too crazed by the points to focus. Yes, I'm one day in and the freakin points are making me insane! I've already taken it upon myself to email WW and tell them of my displeasure. The source of my frustration surrounds the activity log. If you log in a run you have to choose between a 5 and a 9 minute mile. I told them (and I quote) "There aint no Fatties on WW running 5-9 minute miles! Score...WW 0 SIF 1! Then they emailed and said I was using it wrong. Whateva. Anything to keep the fatties down. $65 don't go but so far. Anywho, on to today's rage...

Before every new diet plan a little binge must fall. What's a SIF to do? You call a friend who's currently dieting and attempt to suck them into your emotional food tryst. It's never appropriate for a SIF to eat alone. You might as well wear a sign that says. "Who's your Diner?" Last night I called a friend who is doing a very good job on her diet unlike myself. I won't mention her name except to say that it starts with an R, ends with an E and sounds like Janay. She was hip to the WW2 battle and agreed to have one "last" dinner with me. It was never my intention to "take her down" but these things just happen. Fat is contagious in case you didn't know. So we get to my favorite EEJ (Emotional Eating Joint) and the place was jammin. This disturbed me bcs I didn't want people I know to see me eat my way from the left to the right side of the menu. Luckily we sat in the back. It's because I'm white. I know this.

Anyway, I suggested the spinach dip and we agreed that would be a good "start." Replacing the tortilla chips with pita points will cost you about 145 grams of fat but who's counting? My friend appeared strong even as I spoke of steak n cheese with fries dipped in ranch. Would she break? Of course! Emotional eating is the HIV of the fatty world. Just sit next to someone and you're infected! To her credit she only ate half of her meal. Hell you couldn't even tell there was anything on my plate. I feel a connection to the minimum wagers so I like to save them time by licking my plate clean. Our waitress... skinny and annoying. She didn't bring us forks as if to imply that we would be inhaling! Whateva. I only do that at lunch. And when I ask for a side of ranch I mean a side not a squirt! Asking for more it makes me look not so good. Make me raise my voice n sh...

I thoroughly enjoyed my emotional eating tryst until the food coma struck. That's the point where your eyes focus on one thing, you can hear everything around you but you can't speak, it's not so fun anymore and the check takes 4 hours to get to the table. In addition to that crisis... my little dinner buddy was violating 2 HUGE SIF rules in plain site: 1. Never get a to-go box! Emotional eating cannot know where you live! 2. Never hang around the table when you are done. It draws attention to the fact that you ate your way from appetizer to dessert and it aint pretty! Bonus info...Make them clear the table, check the surrounding area for onlookers and only order dessert if no one is watching.

I waddled my way to the car feeling like a hooker who turned a record number of tricks and got robbed on the way home! Take a moment to feel that will you? I immediately took a shower to cleanse my guilt. I jumped into my Pj's and I must admit they were a little snug. I suppose to remind me that I was a ho. I climbed into bed alone and fat. Somehow it wasn't worth it. I couldn't get the taste of garlic out of my mouth so I did what any SIF would do. I downed 2 Krispy Kremes. Works better than toothpaste, FYI. I had to ask myself, "Is one night of pleasure worth so much pain?" Depends on the "dish" that's being served....stay tuned...