Professor of Fat...

Before we go back to Mayberry, I need to elaborate on a few details from yesterdays blog. Some of you were asking about Aunt Doris' hair. Yes, she does wash it. Seasonally. It smells like Funions. Satisfied? Yes I do play tricks on old people. It's fun and I bore easily. Now that we have that straight...

I'm straining to remember what happened on day two. Let's chalk that one up to a post pocket rocket hangover and call it a day. I'm also skipping day three bcs I worked out alot and no one wants to here about that crap. By third day I was back to my old self. I went to hang out with my childhood pal and lay by her pool. It was the moment I dread...the unveiling of the bikini. It's always an issue. She weighs about 100lbs and I weigh...well let's just say alot more and leave it at that. I had on a 2 piece and clearly needed an 8 piece! I swear I have no shame. I whipped off my clothing and created a shadow big enough to cover the entire pool and surrounding area. I was laying in one of those zero gravity chairs. Clearly not made for the fatties. Gravity meet your match! My friend didn't even take off her shorts. If I was that skinny I'd run around naked! Probably why I'm fat. No one wants to see that.

Later that night she hosted a fitness party for my online business. Did I mention she is an awesome cook?! I think the secret plan was to fatten everyone up, make them feel guilty and hope they'd buy lots of diet pills. Clearly the menu catered to the agenda. We had cheese dip, beer, eclairs and fruit salsa (most yummy). My contribution to the table...power bars. Can't be sure anyone bit on those. True to form I drank lots beer and ate bad food all while telling the crowd how America was fat and we should all be ashamed! They looked a bit confused. Here's a buzzed up heavy weight with cheese dip hanging off her chin telling us to by diet pills? Did I mention the average weight in the room was 110? I was sweating profusely by the end of the presentation. Fat people do that. Only one thing to do...drink more.

A few people expressed interest so I immediately went into super spin mode. Hey, I do mortgage by day. I gotta make a livin somehow! The best part about skinny people...they always want the hardcore stuff. They grab at body parts and ask, "What do you have to help this?" They all want to lose that last 5 lbs. Whatever! 5 lbs on me is like taking a bucket of water from the ocean! However, I treat every fatty situation equally. It's a crisis. They all like to know what I'm using. Umm...are you blind? I'm currently using Krispy Kreme, McDonald's and Taco Bell. How's that workin for ya?! My solution to overcome these sort of situations is to speak in the past tense. Allow me to use some Fatty 101 technique in a sentence. "I used the Slimming Formula and it was great! I lost 30 lbs." I just leave out the part where 20 of it has since found me. No one notices my keen use of the English language and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Does anyone think I should be the Professor of Fat? I'm thinking so...

So we wrapped up the party without the promise of a sale. It's all good. I drown my sorrows in a few eclairs washed down with a Mich Ultra. Low carb n all. I cleaned up the kitchen stealing food here and there when no one was watching. What?! There's always that last dab that you have to throw out bcs you can't close the lid on the storage container. I was simply overcoming that obstacle by storing it on my fat ass! I drove home wondering...how do those girls weigh 110 and eat cheese dip? Is it portion control? Where they purging? Maybe they didn't eat all day in anticipation of the party? Wish I could say the same. I hit 3000 calories by noon and it's usually downhill from there. So like every night, I went to bed fat, happy and broke. All in all a good day. Stay tuned as the town folks are getting ready to make another appearance. Hint...the big fair came to town. I don't there are enough colors in the pallet to paint that picture!