Wednesday, August 27, 2008

It Makes Perfect Sensa

So my friend Angie sent me a link to this new weight loss "thing" that you sprinkle on your food. It's called Sensa. Apparently it works on your sensory neurons to make you feel full. While I don't in fact think I have a working set of sensory neurons (as evidenced by my size), I went ahead and clicked on the link bcs...well bcs what else do I have to do. Apparently it's been advertised on 20/20 and Extra. What that means to me, I can't be sure. So they have 2 types of sprinkles. One for salty foods and one for sweet foods. They claim that if you sprinkle this potion on your food you will feel full, only be able to eat half of your food and will lose 30 pounds in 6 months. Oh and if you order in the next 5 shipping! **This is where I wish you could hear me recite all of that in my cheese infomercial voice. It's really quite good.** So I ordered it. Of course I did. I'm a SIF! I'm not in the business of disappointing my readers.

I like to consider myself the unofficial tester for most weight loss products. I’ve tried them all. I won’t horrify you with the laundry list. The next time you go to GNC, check out the weight loss shelf. I tried those. The only one that works without fail (drum role please)…good ole Ephedra! Yes, I know people die and grow 3rd limbs BUT do they lose weight? The answer is an unequivocal …YES! Personally, I think the FDA needs to reinstate that one. I took it via Herbalife back in the 90’s. Believe it or not, you couldn’t pay me to eat! I know…it’s hard to imagine. I could be at happy hour, smack drunk with Nachos on the table and walk away. I know. Crazy. These days I hover over the Nachos to make sure no one else gets the ones with all of the cheese and sour cream. I failed to mention that the owner of Herbalife died at 30. Natural causes n all. Hey, who am I to question the coroner? I say bring it back and we immediately cure the obesity crisis in America. Yeah we’ll lose a few along the way but sometimes you have to sacrifice for the good of others…like me…and the fatties!

Back to the stuff that’s going to save me from myself. So I call up the makers of “the powder” to harass them a bit. I asked the lady on the phone if I could really lose 30 pounds. She said yes so I guess it’s true. We’ll know in 5-7 days when it arrives. I was thinking…if I took the powder along with the 22 points I get from WW, sprinkle that on some Jenny Craig Food and pop an illegal Ephedra, I could blow this thing out of the water. Not only could I take over for that fat ass, trench coat wearin Kirstie Alley, I would most certainly be the new Sensa spokesfatty. Its sort like psycho weight loss meets Hollywood. I love it! I’m losing weight just thinking about it. The closest I’ve come to my love of Ephedra is a drug called Phentramine. It’s quite lovely. It’s one of the Phen’s in the Phen-Phen clan. I suppose it was the well behaved one as I can still get it without calling up Earl Jenkins for a hit. It gives you this warm sensation followed by a burst of energy. Who needs to eat when you are warm and jumpy? Not me! 20 pounds down from that one! 20 pounds back when I went off! Seems my friend Phentremine was some form of legalized crack. I’m fine with that. Except the part when I have to give it up and gain all of the weight back. So unfair.

As you can see my life is 100% controlled by my love to eat vs. my quest to find drugs that will keep me from eating. I think they call that insanity. Crazy is not the worst thing I've been called so I’ll press on. My Mother phoned last night. She said the following, “Honey I read your blog everyday and it’s very good. However, I’m very concerned. Do you really do all of those things that you say? I’m worried. I feel like it’s all my fault.” Mother, I want to set you free. Yes I really do all of the things I say in my blog and yes I blame you for all of it. Feel better? Ahh a mothers love. So tender. Remember…this woman hid 10lb bags of M&M in my desk! CPS should have carted her off long ago. I kid Mother. I am to blame for my behavior. It’s a job hazard. Just think, if I was skinny who would write my blog? See…now don’t you feel silly? I’m off to stalk the mailbox for the powder!

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