Tuesday, July 8, 2008

A spoonful of vinegar...

Helps everything apparently! My worst nightmare confirmed...the skinny girls are douching their fat away! Allow me to splain...So there I was on my normal 4-5 mile morning run with my friend Tara. We make a good running team bcs I provide the service of weighing a metric ton which in turn compliments her 5'8'' 120 lb ass! I'm not sure what she does for me other than make me look fatter and provide me with more drama than a Daniel Steel novel. We were almost finished with our run when out of nowhere appears this deathly skinny runner chick. I gave her a subtle wave and thought, "Damn she looks hungry!" My inside voice added to that thought... "I would never want to be that skinny." That's why you are the inside voice. Work with me here...

I was about to bring Tara into agreement on the matter when out of nowhere she calls Skinny McSkinny by name. You know her?! Now I was standing two feet from someone who couldn't even spell french fry let alone eat one! The ratio of SIF was out of alignment. I needed a fat chick on a bike with one of those stupid dogs post haste. How would I explain my saddle bags, my muffin top, my banana roll when skin and bones were all around me! I'm a quick thinker but I aint that quick! As they were cactching up I tried thinking of something witty to say like, " It feels so good to be back running just a week after giving birth to my 10 lb baby boy." In fear she wouldn't believe me I decided to listen attentively to the fat free conversation. Bla Bla so good to see you. You look great. So do you...hello! Oh, this is my friend Fatty McFatty. I believe she used my real name but I'm sure Skinny McSkinny translated it as such.

Then out of nowhere she offers an ephinany of sorts...."I'm still doing those vinegar shots and I feel great." Como? I was hoping she didn't mean vaginally and tried not to appear too curious. She decdied to run the rest of the way with us and elaborate. ***Insert thought--- does she know that I am not a Kenyan and will she adjust her pace to fatty speed?*** Yes and Yes. She proceeds to tell us that she and her skinny husband have been taking shots of vinegar for the past few months. Apparently it is revilutionizing their life. Tara and I were perplexed. She went on to say that it makes perfect sense when you think about it. Ummm no it doesn't. She proceeded to tell us that just as vingear cleans your coffee pot, it also cleans your system in the same manor. Pause for shock factor.

I know what vingear does for the coffee pot and I know what vinegar does for those not so fancy fresh days but now I'm to believe that drinking it gets me to 90lbs and an oil change?! This so would have been on HSN if it were true! She added to the madness by stating that it had to be apple cider vinegar. Why? Can't be sure. Just mix it with water or shoot it straight if you have the stomach for it. Now I just wanted to pin her to the ground and force feed her fatback. Here's this hungry looking runner who clearly doesn't eat and now her answer to my banana rolls is to does vinegar shooters? Vinegar and bananas don't mix...nor do muffins for that matter. Not sure about the saddle bags but I'm guessing no.

I left her ass with Tara and ran home to process this new information. I wanted to tell Tara that we shaved 10 seconds off our time but in light of the vinegar story, it paled in comparsion. I started to worry...Would I lose Tara to Vinegar girl? Instead of inviting me over for a drinks would she now invite me over for vinegar shots? Would there be whole skinny vinegar parties that I wouldn't be invited to until I was out of the triple digits? "Sorry we are having a skinegar party for 99lbs or less." Won't be gettin an invite to that one. So I threw down my running clothes and wondered if it was worth it to change who I was in order to hang out with people who douche fat away. Hell no! I don't want to smell like apple cider...I want to smell of Krispy Kreme and bacon fat like my people!

I leave you with this thought, "Is it better to cleanse away who we really are or put our stank ass out there for all to see?" Stay tuned....

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