Checkin Out

We all know how dangerous it is for a SIF to go grocery shopping. However, at least once a week it must be done. I try and follow the rules: Don't go food shopping while hungry, stay away from the inner aisles and read all labels carefully. However, these rules don't exactly work on a SIF for all of the obvious reasons: A. We eat when we aren't hungry B. Our carts gets better mileage on the inner aisles and C. Labels are designed to trick the fatties! Allow me to elaborate. I can walk into a supermarket fresh off hours of grazing at the Western Sizzlin and still purchase everything from the left over! As for the carts...that's a whole nother matter. I swear those damn carts have fatty GPS! No matter how hard I try to stay within the outer aisles, my cart always ends up somewhere between the Twinkies and the Capn' Crunch. That brings up another issue with those damn carts...I always seem to get the squeaky cart...always. Personally I think "they" position the squeaky carts for the fatties so that "they" know where we are at all times. How would "they" know which cart we were going to choose in attempt to fat track you ask? Easy. The carts closest to the door on the inside are dead giveaways. Two reasons: 1. Aint no fatty walkin in the store with a cart (makes us appear anxious) and 2. Aint no fatty walking too far to find a cart once she's inside the comfort of the grocery store. Hell, it's all we can do to pass up the motorized ones...ooooookkkkay! Theory proven.

Moving on to my next point...labels. It's felony trickery. It's assault with a deadly weapon... full intent to kill. Riddle me this...if the label says: "low fat," "no trans fat" and "a good source of calcium" one would assume this particular product to be part of a healthy and balanced diet, no? Allow me to reveal the identity of said product...A FLIPPIN $1.29 BOX A HO HO'S! Correct me if I'm wrong but the last time I checked out the food pyramid (circa 1972) I don't recall seeing Little Debbie hanging out with the legumes?! Maybe if the label read: "Look you fat Bitch, you eat this, you sho enough gonna die" I might think twice about tossing it in the cart! Or maybe not. Addicts do crazy things for their vices. If Little Debbie is the devil I'm ready for hell! She's an evil little behatch. The only labeling that seems to go against the grain is Diet Coke. I find the label to be honest and quite enchanting....Mostly bsc it says diet and I know it to still taste good but that's besides the point. The ingredients are pretty straight forward: Color, Chemicals and Caffeine...sans sugar sans calories. Yet, "they" (in an attempt to take away any pleasure from the fatties) warn of trickery. Trickery?! Selling me artery clogging ho hos' disguised as health food packaged with a "Hedi" clone for under $1.50...that's trickery! Diet Coke is innocent of all charges! "They" say that it contains sodium and drinking too much may spike your blood sugar thus making you hungry. Hungry? If you are drinking something that starts with the word "diet" you were hungry before you started and furthermore...if the sodium content in a bucket of fried chicken aint killed me yet, I doubt the Diet Coke is takin me down. The prosecution rests...

If you have yet to buy into my conspiracy theories...I give you one last piece of evidence that will surely win you over. ** Pause for mental preparation** When the store has been cleared of everything "Low in fat", "sans trans fat" and "full of calcium" I proceed to the checkout lanes with a certain level of excitement. In a ritualistic sort of fashion I usually go in front of the cart, empty it from back to front and then step to the side of the cart so that I can pull it back in front of me. I say usually bcs lately that tactic hasn't been working so well. It seems I've gained some weight...as evidenced by my fat ass getting stuck between the cart and the candy rack! It's...well....it's not pretty. Luckily the Snickers are very forgiving. Anyway, you know how most grocery stores require a "shopper card" to participate in the weekly specials right? Another example of "Big Brother" looking into my fridge but that's ok...I have no shame. I present my card with pride and watch the dollars dwindle down to a somewhat respectable total. From there, I pay the cashier and prepare to take my food to the car. But wait...Big Brother has a present for me....coupons! I'm usually quite excited to receive such gifts but one day I happened to actually look at the coupons they gave me. I was shocked and appalled! One would think that the coupons would mirror the purchases made. If that rang true I should have been looking at an assortment of Little Debbie discounts and at least $1.00 off some Tater Tots. Not so much! There were all sorts of Weight Watcher frozen meal Coupons, Skim Milk coupons and even a coupon for Diet Coke....which confused me bcs I thought that was on my team?! So obviously the register has been pre-programmed to combat fat! Say it aint so! Do "they" think if they give me a deal on healthy food I will become on of them?! Not! I'd spend my last dollar at Taco Bell and wipe my ass with the coupon for Skim Milk before I'd let Big Brother transform this fatty! Maybe it's time I started shopping with the Skinagers and the Quarter Pounders. If my theory holds true, we could trade coupons and all would be right with the world. Down with Big Brother!