Sniff on this...

As you are well aware, the grocery store is not a safe place for a SIF. I've made my position on cart aggression, inner vs. outer aisle and impulse eating prior to checkout quite clear. I had no immediate plans to revisit this issue, as I find it far too traumatizing. Thanks to a random "meat sniffing fatty", we are "going there" one last time. I warn you, what you are about to read is not appropriate if you are eating, want to eat or just ate. Names have been changed to protect the innocent who may have been in the process of binge eating whilst bearing witness to this crime. We must never speak of this again...

I bring you to Monday morning...the day I go to the supermarket for sandwich meat. Sound strategic? Good, because it is. Monday, as you know, is "New Me Monday" aka " Diet Day." Everything good begins and ends on Monday. What better day to buy sliced sandwich meat? In my world, no one else would be buying sandwich meat on Monday bcs they did their shopping on Saturday or Sunday. Or maybe their version of "New me Monday" involves salads or even worse not eating! My version...sandwiches instead of burgers. Simple yet effective. Whatever the case, I don't expect to hear a cattle call at the deli counter whilst I am in ear shot on "New me Monday." Remember me telling you what "Dr. So & So" said back whenever...."That which you run from will appear in front of you"...well SHE did! Let me be clear, as much as I love a good fatty, I don't seek them out on their turf! That's asking for trouble. That's how you get bit! Not to mention, I can easily hideout somewhere between FAT and PHAT if I wear the right outfit (CYAC-- Cover Your Ass and Cankles-- yes I have a dance to go with it just like the YMCA but no one likes to see a fatty get her groove on now do they?) However, if you get too close to FAT when you are PHAT...well then you are just fat. No two ways about that. That's why I keep at least 12 lbs of distance at all times. All times...except this time!

What disturbs me more than Splenda? I'll tell ya... the lack of an organized line at the meat counter! For the most part I believe that all people want to do the right thing most of the time. That is except when it involves food. Believe me when I tell you this particular moral dilemma crosses the line into skinnyville. I don't know what happens to people when they are waiting on food but I liken it to the feral fatty in all of us. No matter what the outside appearance, we all want our food NOW! Believe me when I tell you that I know precisely who got in line when, how long we've been waiting and who's most likely to jump the line. For that reason I prepare for battle long before the brawl. I typically hang back, grab some free bread and cheese samples and make small talk with the shift workers in an attempt to gain favor. That works about 22.5% of the time, fyi. As any good fatty would, I keep one eye on the line to make sure my scandalous behavior doesn't result in someone jumping ahead. I think we all know I'd sooner bitch slap the Pope than allow someone to eat before me! *Pause for random sign of cross** Let's talk about how this plan can backfire. I was gabbing with the chick who has my dream job (cake decorator) and thinking about how nice it would be to have her job (until I got fired for licking the icing off the knife), watching the potential line jumpers with one eye and rotating the other eye between the meat cutters (they must be watched at all times...they are known for picking the wrong person for the next round of slaughter). It always feels like I'm in complete control. In my mind the only potential hazard is ME line jumping for a cake. However, I soon learned that danger can lurk from behind!

As my tactical warfare was playing out, I heard random sniffles coming from just behind my neck. I wanted my meat as bad as the next fatty but tears? Nope. Not tears. Sniffles. Nope. Not sniffles of sadness. Sniffles of pleasure and I was the pleasure! What the F?! I turned around half hoping Brad Pitt had come to his senses only to find 274.3 pounds of woman sniffing my neck! "Mmm you smell good," she said. I assumed she was what I call a "Double Whopper" (Lesbian Fatty) and said, "Thanks." I turned back around hoping she would...I don't know...see the cake lady, figure it was her version of a BOGO and lose interest in me?! Not so much. Moments later, the sniffing...again. "You smell fresh... like you just got out of the shower," she said. Great. Now she was picturing me naked smelling good! "I did," I said. I figured if she was that into me I'd let her have her moment. "It's so light and fresh," she persisted. Finally I just went straight (no pun intended) 5th Avenue on her ass and said "It's Versace," and quickly turned my head. No one likes an snooty fatty, right? Wrong. She loved me even more.

I soon realized that whilst we were both in search of meat, one of us would be going home empty handed! My sticky note said "Honey Ham and Turkey" but when called upon to order I simply said, "I'll take 10 pounds of the thickest all beef wieners you have." It was a signal to the "Double Whopper" that I was not a "Vagatarian" no matter how good it smelled! I gave her a wink as I walked away from the meat counter. She returned my wink with a look that said, "Have it your way." If your a true fatty...you'll get that one!