I believe I can fly...maybe not

Flying...you kiss your mama with that mouth? Unfortunately that's what flying has become....a 6 letter word. For real! Who really enjoys flying these days? Anyone? The airlines do... I'm sure of that! For a few million dollars you can fly two hours away complete with a bitchy Flying Waitress, over priced cans of shitty beer and if you want to bring along extras like.... oh I don't know...clothes....that's another hundred! Sounds lovely, I'll have that! I mean really! I tried switching to 1st class thinking behind that little curtain was a friendly smile, a Bloody Mary and some decent eats...NOT! I got a bitchier Flying Waitress (in a dress as opposed to a skirt..and sometimes a bitchy gay guy which I prefer), Chex Mix instead of peanuts and a can of tomato juice I was able to convert to a Bloody Mary as soon as I unsnapped the bottle of Vodka fit for Mini-Me. Why pay double for a curtain to separate yourself from the commoners when they don't even close the damn thing! Apparently it's imperative that we see the terrorists entering first class so we can stab them with our sporks before they attempt to get at Kernel Saunders in the cockpit. Thanks Homeland Security...you're real pals. So instead of hob-nobbing with the other idiots who thought this was a good plan, I had to witness Daryl and his other brother Daryl relieving themselves in my 1st class Porta-John! How dare they cross the line into my over-priced kingdom? What does all of this have to do with being fat...apparently alot. It seems the airlines are now partaking in Fatscrimination....bastards!

By now you've seen the news about that famous Hollywood Director/Producer type being denied a seat on an airplane bcs he was too fat. Normally I could care less what happens to men but being that he's fat...I'll allow for an exception. So he books a seat on the plane and just when he gets all nice and cozy... the bitchy little Flying Waitress informs him that unless he buys 2 seats he will have to exit the plane....from either the front or rear exit (complete with the index finger hand signal)...ok I made up that last part but I'm at least 2.18% sure it happened. What's a guy to do? Stay and fight for his love handles? I think not! You exit gracefully and cause a scene over the phone where the evidence is "weighted" in your favor. You can't exactly defend your 765 lb ass whilst staring seats that barely hold a 1/4 Pounder! FYI, the other passengers will not rise to your defense. I got news for ya...they were all secretly hoping you'd be booted from the aircraft before they had to squeeze in between you, your 8 chins, back fat and cankles. It doesn't make for a pleasant ride. I know...I've had occasion to be stuck in the middle of "my people" and it can be down right painful. Forget the seat dividers....they were swallowed up at, "Hello." There'll be no napping unless you enjoy curling up with an appendage that has more crevices than the Grand Canyon. Whilst fat may appear comfy...it's not. I distinctly remember setting my allotted can of Coke on what I thought was a tray...not so much...it was a leg...I think. I believe my husband was on the other side of the adipose creature but I can't be sure bcs I didn't in fact see him until we landed and fatty deplaned. It's exhausting being fat. No matter which side of the aisle your on.

Whilst I don't condone how the airline handled the situation, what are they suppose to do? Place scales in the seats and weigh everyone prior to take off? Or maybe the mandatory line of questioning should include, " Have your saddle bags been in your possession at all times?" or "Did anyone unknown to you tell you you were too fat to fly?" I don't know...just a thought. Maybe they could ax when you make the reservation if you'll be needing an additional seat for your ass? Oh wait...can't make reservations over the phone...that's an additional $100. So maybe when you go online there could be something that states the weight limit of the seat you chose and then you could enter your weight and watch the screen blow up in your face and re-direct you to http://www.jennycraig.com/ or something. That might work. Seriously...so let's say you are one of the 2 fatties in the world who actually understands they are too fat to fly. How do you go about booking your "ass" a ticket? You would have to name it, buy it a passport and be prepared to show it at the gate. On the up side...that's another snack, can of Coke an a carry on. I'd show my fat ass for that.

You may be shocked to learn that I, too, was the victim of Fatscrimination whilst flying the not so friendly skies. I was headed out for a weekend on Martha's Vineyard...she's an old friend of mine. Anywho, you can either go by boat or plane. Fat people don't float so well, so I chose the plane. Long story short, this conglomeration of tin they called a plane was big enough for 6 people...under normal circumstances. We were instructed to give the pilot our luggage so he could arrange it in such a way that we wouldn't crash and die. So comforting. I should mention...I don't travel light...nothing about me is light...not my ass...not my luggage...and at that time...not my boyfriend! TMI. Anywho, when we stepped outside to board the plane the pilot summonsed me to the side. I was sure he was about to tell me that I needed to take some shit out of my suitcase or get a white boyfriend...I wasn't sure. Discrimination in this day and age...bastards! Much to my surprise it was neither. Thank God...can't live without my clothes or my dick....sorry. Anyway, he informed me that I would be sitting next to him on the plane. Surely he thought I was hot and this was his way of putting the moves on me. Exactly 1 second later... the fantasy was over as he stated, "It's a weight issue." Excuse me! I convinced myself I was either the skinniest one on the plane or that this was his cover up for membership into the mile high club. I wasn't amused. So much so, that upon take off I informed the passengers that there would be no in flight beverage service as I needed to keep my fat layers still or the plane would fall out of balance thus resulting in our untimely deaths. There were some looks but whatever...I got to wear the headset and pretend I was flying the plane. That made up for not hooking up with the pilot and him calling me fat n all. Not for nothing....no one should ever have to watch a plane land. I know one thing for sure....all 879 lbs of me was as still as 879 lbs can be and that damn plane was flying about as straight as Richard Simmons....okaaaay!

I don't know...maybe I should just drive from now on. If I get a bigger rental car no one will think it's bcs I'm fat...they'll just assume I have alot of junk...and I do...it's just in my trunk as opposed to the vehicles. Ah F it! I'm gonna fly and order up a seat for my fat ass! I'll make demands for my ass in the 3rd person and no one will be the wiser. "Ah yes, I would like a blanket. My ass is cold. And I'll need a Coke no ice...my ass hates a cold drink. Oh and can I have some nuts? My ass loves nuts." Whilst my flying neighbors will think there is an empty seat between us, I will be quick to inform them that my ass paid for this seat and no... they can't put their bags on my ass . Yup. That's what I'll do. Not sure about the passport and the whole gate thing so I'm open to suggestions. Does my ass have to think of everything?!