Kimo's Wedding

I traveled to SC for the wedding of my cousin Kimo. I've waited 39 years for this wedding and I was highly pleased with the outcome. I will share my stories of binge eating and wedding cake stalking later... but first...here is the speech I gave as her MOH. Enjoy...


Wedding Speech

Scott, I’m sure you have your reasons why you feel Kimo will be the perfect wife. What you may not know is that she has been training for quite some time. In fact, I dare say she learned all she knows from Barbie. The story goes something like this… Back in the day, Kimo and I played Barbie and Ken every weekend. We learned many valuable lessons about marriage from our Barbie experiences. For example, when they first met, Ken/Barbie had nothing but the clothes in their box. As time went on they acquired a Winnebago, a mansion and more designer clothing than they knew what to do with. If this was marriage, Kimo were sure to be the perfect wives! However, we would soon learn that the hard times are what make or break a marriage. One day we came home to find that vandals had set the Winnebago on fire. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Barbie’s Jordache coat was missing. Being young and naïve we weren’t prepared to handle such a marital crisis. So we did what any girl would do in this situation, we gave Barbie a new haircut, took her shopping and sent Ken packing. Maybe we weren’t ready for marriage just yet.

As we grew, Kimo maintained a healthy relationship with Barbie. She collected every Barbie ever made and stored them in their respective boxes. We never really worried about her until she started cooking in heels and refused to date any man who wasn’t named Ken. As you can imagine, the prospects for marriage were bleak. Then, she did what no single woman (not even Barbie) dared do…she began to build a hope chest with items she would need when she married. There were pots, pans, dishes, sheets…you name it. She refused to use any of the items in the chest until she married. While we found her enthusiasm for the future charming, we were a bit worried about “Ken” in this equation, as he had yet to surface. As time went on the hope chest followed her from Moravia, to Auburn, to Virginia, to NC…and well let’s just say it was a well traveled chest. Eventually, she gave up on finding Ken and removed items from the chest as she needed them. It started with the lasagna pan, then the wine glasses and before long she was sleeping on the sheets. It just didn’t seem like her Ken would ever find her. Kimo gave up cooking in heels and stopped making her signature dishes like homemade macaroni and lasagna. Instead guests at her table would be forced to eat things like boiled hot dogs and boxed macaroni. Kimo had given up.

Then, one day while lying by the pool, Kimo had a thought. What if her Ken was right in front of her but she didn’t know it bcs his name wasn’t Ken? It was an epiphany! Now she just had to figure out who Ken really was. A quick glance across the pool provided the following options: 3 gay men, 6 girls, 12 children and a handsome man named Scott. The girls and the gays were out and the kids were not even close to marrying age. That left Scott. Her friend Scott? Whatever. There’s no way he would be the one. They were just friends. That’s not how it happens in Kimo’s world. She has full control over these situations and there’s no possible way she wouldn’t have known that he was the one. Kimo decided to confront Scott directly, “Are you my Ken?” she said in her commanding Kimo voice. Scott was stunned and ran away for the weekend to escape the interrogation. When he returned he went directly to her home and knocked on the door. Shaking he confessed that he was in fact Ken. Scott was just his street name. Kimo was speechless for the first time in her life! She didn’t know what to say so he said it for her, “Kimo…will you be my Barbie?” She let out her signature hyperventilating “yes” in response to the question she had waited 39 years to hear. He went on to promise to never put her in a box and to play with her whenever she wanted. As was often the case in these situations, Kimo tucked and squeezed in order that she might avoid peeing her pants on the most special day of her life. Kimo and Scott…may you have a “Grand Fabulous” life together always.