Murder on the Arc...

Yes, I write about fatties and food. However, from time to time I need to expand on my conceptual greatness to include death and murder as these things also intrigue me. It's a darker side of this SIF but as we all know, dark is where the flavor lies. As you might have guessed, this "crime" involves the adopted Chilean. Perhaps I am in this situation bcs I failed to follow a Golden Fatty Rule:"Never shop hungry." Had I followed that rule I may have wound up with a German or a Russian. Why do you suppose I was drawn to Chile'? That's right...it sounds like chili and I happen to love chili in the winter. "Fatliminal" thoughts are an ever present force in my life. Little did I know that my very own fatty issues were about to make me an accessory to murder!


One night, as I was eating my Swanson Hungryman and watching Fit TV, the Chilean came to me with a promising prospect for employment. She explained that back in her native Hagerstown, she was known as the Chilean Dog Whisperer. Often she would care for 10, 20...sometimes 50 pets at once. She said it was a gift from Jesus Cristo. Who am I to argue with a reference like that? *Pause for the sign of the cross* Anywho, some local amigas had asked her to care for their animals while they were away. I was a bit concerned. There was Hannah Y Zoe Y Sage Y Puerco Y Saucey Y Dave Y Liz. In total that would make 4 dogs, 1 cat and 2 fish! What started as her first job in the Estados Unidos was quickly turning into a rebirth of the Chilean Arc! I should have listened to my insincts. They told me that something bad was to come and it would soon involve me!

Everything was going quite well with the Chilean and her Arc. She would rise before the sun, feed and potty all of animals and then head off to color little airplanes by the coast. It seemed as though her gift was genuine until the day before her amigas were to arrive home. She had been drinking a little too much "water" and asked me to drive her to the Arc so that she could feed the animals. On our last stop, we were taking care of the fish (Dave Y Liz) when I noticed a problem. Liz was floating at the top of her bowl. She had a slight gray tinge to her and I must say she didn't smell at all like a lady. Upon further observation I noticed that her lips looked like JJ from Good Times...not at all attractive. She was...dead. When I told the Chilean the bad news, she insisted that Liz was just playing dead. Apparently she liked to do that in order to confuse Dave in the next bowl. I didn't understand why they couldn't live in one bowl...something about killing each other. Well, somehow Liz was dead and it wasn't at the hands of Dave! The Chilean tried to bring her back to life. She chanted random Spanish prayers and pleaded with Dave to help. Dave just laid at the bottom of his bowl content to be alone. Then things got ugly....

Faced with Liz's death, we had to make a decision. When I say "we" I'm not sure how "I" became part of "we." I was just the driver. The one responsible for taking the Chilean to her Arc. This was my first visit with Dave and Liz. Clearly I had nothing to do with the death. Or did I? Was being there enough to imply guilt? I started to worry. The Chilean was in sort of a drunken panic. Picture laughing, frantic rambling and Dave swirling in his bowl. Something had to be done. While the Chilean put Dave back on the shelf, I knew it was time to dispose of Liz. I tried to be respectful of Liz in her death, by placing her back in her natural habitat...I threw her over the balcony, into the swamp. I knew that by disposing of Liz I was now an accessory to something. I'm not sure of the crime but whatever went on, I was now involved.

The next morning I noticed that the Chilean was missing. She left a set of keys on the coffee table along with her credit card. I called her right away to see what was going on. She said she had to go and color small planes on the coast to clear her mind. She asked me to take the credit card and purchase a new fish at Wal-mart. As soon as I had done that, I was to take the new fish to her amigas house and place it in the bowl next to Dave. I had until 5pm to make the switch or her amiga would know of the crime. I quickly jumped in the car and headed to Wally World. I ran up and down every aisle looking for fish. In a panic, I stopped the manager and asked where I could find a chubby red fish like Liz. He delivered a blow...this Wally World doesn't carry fish. Que! Now what? I guess I was feeling guilty bcs I went on to explain the crime and the cover up to him. While shocked, I saw a willingness to help me in his eyes. He told me to go to the pet store a few miles down and they should have what I needed. I didn't have time to silence him so I gave him a stern look that imlpied we were now bound by the same lies. I was hoping that would keep him quiet.

As I walked into the pet store I could feel the sweat building on my forehead. I called the Chilean to see how much I should spend on replacing Liz. Apparently she was worth no more than $10. Damn!I'm going down for $10! I looked frantically around the store for a new Liz. I stumbled upon a 20 ft Reticulated Python that stopped me dead in my tracks. I knew it to be a sign from Jesus Cristo that my actions were of the devil. Just like a car wreck, I couldn't help but stare at his nasty, shedding ass! Gross! As soon as I could pry myself from the cage, I resumed my search for Liz. I didn't want to ask for help. I had already screwed that up once. Then, I stumbled upon a zit ridden little pet store geek who was too dumb to see that I was in the process of a cover up. I asked where I could find another Liz. Turns out...she was on sale! A $6 cover up was in the works. There were blue Liz's....no, green Liz's...no, and then I saw her as if she was a ghost in my midst....RED LIZ! She came with her own bowl and everything. Yeah well a bowl wasn't part of the plan. Put the fish in the bag and keep the evidence! I failed to mention that waiting in my car was a bucket of warm tap water that I had prepared for the "new Liz." This was quickly going from manslaughter to murder!

I grabbed the key to the house and ran up stairs with the new fish. I took the fish from the bag and placed it in the bowl with the water from my bucket. Hmmm...I wondered if the water could be traced to me thus linking me to the crime. Oh hell...I was all over this place! I watched the new Liz swim around in her bowl, content to be out of her Ziploc bag. Dave looked at her as if to say, "I always knew Liz would come back from the dead to haunt me!" Whatever Dave. This wasn't about you. I watched the new Liz swim around the bowl with a sort of a sick satisfaction. I was quite proud of myself for finding what I believed was Liz's evil twin. After a few minutes of gloating, I called the Chilean to let her know the deal was done and with $4 to spare. She was most pleased. She kept asking me if the new Liz looked like the old one. Jes! She couldn't even remember what Liz looked like. I was irritated by that bcs...well bcs I wanted someone to revel in my keen cloning abilities! I needed to get out of there. I threw out the bag in the amigas trash can and headed home. This is why I do not make a good criminal....evidence disposal is not my strong suit.

Later that evening, the Chilean arrived home after a long day of coloring small planes on the coast. Once again she interrogated me as to the similarities between new and old Liz. I told her to relax and have some "water." We agreed that we would never speak of the switch after that day. Apparently her amiga often accused her of murder and this was the first time she was actually guilty. All we could do was wait. Then, about 9pm the phone rang. It was the amiga. I think she said something like, "This isn't my fish!" The Chilean ran into my room panicked. She said that her amiga knew this wasn't Liz bcs Liz was much fatter. I was afraid of that. You can't exactly by a fish based on weight! I was hoping the color and the fact that she was alive would be enough! The Chilean was distraught. She ran over to comfort her amiga. When she arrived she was shocked by what had taken place. Dave was smitten with the new Liz. He preferred her svelte girly figure to that of the old Liz. I think that must have been enough to make it all ok bcs there was no talk of finding the evidence in the trash can. Wheeew!

Everything is back to normal and the Chilean has since decided to right size her Arc. She hadn't bargained on Liz's death and it was all too much for her. We have since named the new Liz Connie...short for Conspiracy or maybe it was Cover up. Dave also has a new name bcs "Dave" just didn't work without Liz. We now call him Frank...short for frankly. And they all said...amen!