Fatsourcing

The word of the day is Fatsourcing. The outsourcing of fat if you will. A true SIF knows full well where I am going with this. I've tried everything imaginable to lose weight...that is except for hard work and sacrifice. I find those two items to be highly overrated. From the grease expellers to the legalized crack...they've all been employed by this SIF at one time or another. I like the idea of outsourcing my weaknesses to others. It's empowering...except for the fact that it has yet to work. I've even gone so far as to call in the King of outsourcing himself...the big "JC." ** Pause for sign of cross***"Give your burdens to him" the bible says. So I did. If he can turn water to wine he can surely turn me into a size 6 right? Apparently not. I guess he didn't have his miracle ear tuned to Fatty 101.1 bcs I have yet to lose a pound. Not one. In fact, I have since gained 10. Maybe I am too evil to go that route. Yeah that must be it. That's why I love the SIF. They are always on top of the latest tricks and treats.

I was having lunch with my friend Sharon...bitching about weight loss...eating fries....bitching about eating fries/weight loss when she started telling me about this Fatty GPS gadget thingy. You strap it on your arm and it tracks everything you do. Interesting. It calculates every step, every calorie and well everything! Intriguing and frightening at the same time! Here's where it gets good...I have to tell it what I eat! Thank God! Lord knows if it could see down my throat that thing would spontaneously combust! I think this could work for me bcs I actually like to exercise. In theory...the little machine and I would be great friends. It would send all sorts of positive information to the computer about what a good little egg I am...blah blah ran 5 miles...took 10,000 steps... burned 4500 calories. That is until I have to do my part in the outsourcing master plan and enter the intake of calories. That's where it's gonna get ugly! Real ugly. Like..slap yo mama ugly! No worries... got that all figured out. It's a little something I like to call, "lie." I mean really...if I were to enter what I actually ate, the damn computer would flash the following message: "CLEARLY THIS IS WHY YOU ARE FAT! ASK FOR A REFUND NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"

Even though I am an unemployed, starving writer, with no job prospects, dwindling assets and a family to support, I managed to find some room on the ole credit card for this one! What if this was the sign from "JC" I'd been waiting for? The thing that would revolutionize my life? Clearly the odds weren't in my favor given my track record but who likes track anyway? I am in receipt of the said gift from heaven and am currently loading the program on to my computer. So far I find it very intrusive. How much do I weigh? How tall am I? ..."5'10"/ 120...just bought you for kicks dumb ass!" I decided to be honest mainly bcs I know that my husband cannot find the program on the computer. If he saw my real stats I'd be ass out! I mean... I can use a Sharpie to get rid of the 1 in the size 12's and hide Ho Ho's in the sock drawer due to like consistencies... but if he saw the numbers I was really puttin up...divorce would be immanent. Which may could work(southern ghetto vernacular...frightening yet noteworthy) to shed a few pounds but seems a bit drastic. Anyway, as is always the case, I will start the "new tech savvy me" tomorrow. I don't want to have to log the 400 beers I plan to drink at happy hour. No good can come of that. I wouldn't want to overwork the system the first day n all.

Successful weight loss is around the corner. Not sure which corner, which state or even if I have enough gas to get there but I will continue to have faith that someone else will do it for me! How does that saying go? There's no I in team. Together Everyone Achieves More! Nope..no I in there! See..I've had it right all along. This whole weight loss thing doesn't belong on my back at all! It belongs on the back of others...these people they call teams! I will continue my quest to oppress others with a solution to my fatness. Fatness after all is next to greatness....no "I" in there either. I'm just sayin is all...