Are you ready for some Fatball?

"Do you think I'm fat?" "Does this make me look fat?" Two questions no man should ever answer without a game plan. It doesn't matter what you say, it's quickly translated into "Yes, you are a fat whore and I hate you. In fact I've been cheating on you with your skinny friend such and such." Ok, maybe I heard that on Lifetime but you get the point.Tonight I'm looking to help the men behind the SIF. While I am fully aware that no good can come of this exercise, I'm running low on material and high on my agenda is the opportunity to help men everywhere understand what it takes to tackle a fatty head on. If my husband were reading this (mind you he won't bcs that would require him to not watch football for 5 seconds) he would tell you that when asked these sorts of questions, it's best to play a strong defense. When cornered, one should repeat the question to buy time. When faced with a line too strong to overcome, simply reply, " I don't answer those questions."You are not avoiding the fight, you are just tackling your SIF momentarily. Make no mistake, she will rise again...and with a line of questioning better than the first....like "No,really, I want an honest answer." DO NOT FALL FOR THIS...IT'S A TRAP! IT'S THE 4TH DOWN AND YOU ARE STILL AT THE 50 YARD LINE. YOU CAN'T KICK A FIELD GOAL, YOU AINT GETTIN A TOUCHDOWN...PUNT AND RUN BROTHERS! IF THE BALL LANDS ANYWHERE NEAR HER SHE WILL USE IT AGAINST YOU!

Deep breathe. A SIF loves a good game of "Do you think I'm fat." We play the game with ourselves on a daily basis. That's no fun. We bring you in for pure entertainment on the off chance that you'll say something dumb. Unfortunately the odds are stacked against you. You are the Redskins in a world of fatties. Your fans are loyal but there's just no hope for you. The best thing you can do is to sit the bench. The injured list. Perhaps I told you about the time my husband played "the game" with me. I guess he was feeling sporty because we have an unspoken understanding that he is no match for my psychosis. If you remember the story guess what, I'm telling it again. I bought these skinny jeans from the Gap. I'm not sure that they were actual "skinny jeans" but I got them a whole size smaller than I allegedly wore, so they were immediately put in the "skinny" category. I ignored the fact that they said "stretch" on the tag because that doesn't really mean anything. When I got home I danced around the house jumping from mirror to mirror trying to find a reason that I wasn't the bomb diggity in my new skinny jeans. When I couldn't find a reason, I found my husband. I politely asked, "Honey, do these jeans make me look fat." Silence. It's 3rd down on the 1 one yard line. Take it in honey. He turned and said, " No not at all." It appeared as if he had taken into the end zone for the score. But wait...I called in my Special Teams "Dumb Factor." As I turned to walk away (and admire myself some more)I distinctly heard the crowd yelling..."ooooooo." I listened closely as my husband added the statement that cost him the only touchdown of his career, " They are suppose to be that tight right?" You could hear a pin drop on the field.

You see, even armed with a good defense and an occasional offensive strategy here and there, you are no match for a fatty. We are winners that can't lose. Did you catch that? We are the Peyton Manning of fat. We control the ball while you run around blocking yourself. It's the Superbowl baby and you aint even on the team! The next time you suit up for a game of "Does this make me look fat", bring your running shoes. It just makes sense...